When to say no

When is it right to just say no?
Family is wonderful and most will do anything they can to be with them and oblige them. But when does appeasing family end and not going to every occasion not become a guilt trip? Even with elderly parents you just can't put your self short, just so they don't get upset. Case in point, my niece is having her wedding reception this summer, and is sound wonderful. As an Aunt who took care of her, I want to be there for her and our family. But it costs allot of money to make the trip back home with 5 children, not to mention the rising gas prices. Flying is just too much and leaves us stranded with no vehicle unless we rent one, more $$. Driving is the best option, but don't want to put that many miles on our truck so renting is the way to go. More money, plus gas which could reach close to $5 a gallon by this summer. So we have to drop about a grand just to get there and back, that's not food, hotels, money for entertainment or anything. And if Johnny did come he would be missing work that wouldn't be covered. So the question goes, "do we send a really nice gift or do I just fly and do a quick weekend or do we go for broke?"
Ask Johnny, he'd say we send a gift since other than my mother NO ONE has came down to visit us here. His mother came down twice during the Las Cruces time, but has not came to Taos even when the babies were born. He'll also point out the fact we came up when the twins were 6 months and if he hadn't tattooed about 20 people we would have never made it back to New Mexico. He doesn't feel obligated to go. I can understand his point of view. Also he'll say we could take 2 really fun vacations with the girls  down here and find some new spots we have never been to, and won't put ourselves in debt or worry we won't be able to cover our bills. Oh by the way only one of us works right now, so income is tight.
Myself, I am torn and have the guilt of disappointing family if we don't come. I always feel pressure to still do what makes my mother happy even if I don't want to do it! I worry what other relatives will say or think which is pretty dumb since I would love to tell half of them to go fuck a tree! I also want to see some friends and hit some places I miss in Minneapolis. So I am a bit selfish on wanting to go. But I do know it is a huge stretch of our budget and we'll have to really scrimp to make it work kind of. Plus like Johnny, I am a bit pissed that NO ONE has even made an effort to visit us here in beautiful Taos. Makes me feel a bit unappreciated and not wanted. Oh we want to see you, but you have to truck 2200 miles across the USA with 5 kids, and we know you're not working right now so you don't really have the money to do it, but you have to come up here.
So what's a girl to do? I could ask for certain family members to pitch in, but why should I ask? Shouldn't they offer knowing this is a BIG undertaking and financially not easy? I want to go, but not at the loss income or our living conditions. On top of it all we are moving just weeks before this wedding and won't even have the house unpacked, then expected to drop it all and go for broke. I think I have made my mind up, but why am I afraid to tell my mother and brother? I hate to upset my mom, and well my brother I just don't want to hear his tone! I shouldn't be afraid, hell I'm 43 and a mother of 5, but feel like I'm 16 when it comes to standing up and doing what I want to do. WTF?!!! I guess I worry, what if I miss the last time to see my mother, and what if this upsets her so bad she gets sick? I mean she's 83 and frail and misses the girls so much, I would hate to hurt her feelings. But I know I can't let that cloud common sense and what is best for my family. Oh shit I hate these things, but I know what I have to do.
Hope my girls don't go through this about me when I'm that old. Even though you ask the girls now, they want to live with mommy and daddy forever and cry to think they would have to leave us. I tell them, "oh just wait till your a teenager, you'll want to leave and not be with us ever again!" hahaha Hopefully not, but I think we all go through that phase. I just don't want them to make decisions based on what mom or dad want and not what they want. Good or bad they need to make those choices and mistakes without guilt. I really don't want them to carry this kind of guilt and willingness to just do what mom says to keep the peace. I want them to say,NO I am going to do it my way and you may not like it, but can support it or be lonely without me around for a while. I would cry, and then be happy my girls can make their own path and know mom and dad support them with what ever they do.
Gotta pull the big girl panties up and just do it! Wish me luck I'm going to need it! Unless you find that big bag of money we lost or want to lend me a car that seats 6 and gets good gas mileage. Or just give me a bunch of money to go! hahaha just kidding but it would be cool! Looking for that rainbow to make a wish come true or the silver lining to make doing the right thing not so painful. Growing up and doing the right thing SUCKS!!

What defines a family?

Very interesting subject just came up. I feel like I'm on the fence with this one, because I agree with both sides. What defines a family and your "children?"
As a single person I defined my little family as myself and my best friend and baby "Sirius" my beautiful Rottie. She loved me unconditional and had her own personality and funny things she did. She was the best partners I ever had and got me through some rough times. After I got married and had my girls, they became my babies but my faithful  sweet dog never stopped being my baby either. Our family dynamic didn't get complicated, it just got bigger. The argument arose from a comment that dogs are not children.
I understand both sides, since I have been on both sides. What was surprising was how animate both sides got and how it quickly escalated to slinging not so nice slurs.Yes,dogs are not children, THANK GOD! But do have some similar characteristics children do. And dogs give just as much affection and the same feeling of love we get from children. Dogs give the same sense of companionship and need for us like children, but can't verbalize back to us. Many people have dogs and cats to fill their need to nurture and share their love. Not just single people or  childless couples but the elderly or people who's children may have passed. Those dogs and cats benefit those people in so many ways, not just a pet in their home or lives. I think to say they are not babies or children may be a bit harsh.
I have had dogs my whole life, they have been my best friends and companions. Our Neapolitan Aurora was a rescue dog from a really bad situation. It took almost 2 years to get her to trust us and know we will never leave her or abuse her, she is a part of our family. She is so sweet and gentle with our girls, especially the twins. Who when they came home she would guard them and stay very close. She also is my second shadow, follows me EVERYWHERE! I love that she never wants to leave my side, but to whine outside of the bathroom door is little much. But she shows love and affection to our family, and the girls don't think of her as an animal, they see her as a part of our family, just with a hair problem.
The difference is dogs don't need us in ways children do, and won't put us through hell and back.
Many people who have dogs and cats instead of children have very couple type life style. I personally think some people with just animals who say they "chose" not to have kids are also self centered  and are not willing to give up their current life style to have children who demand all of our time. This isn't bad, in fact there are people out there who have kids who should have just stuck to having dogs or cats. Many people don't want to give up anything they have worked for or finally achieved for anyone, children included. More power to you! But please don't refer to myself or others who do have children as "breeders", or that we are "over populating". It's just like someone with tattoos, don't criticize those who have them, if you don't like them, DON'T GET THEM!".
Same concept, if you don't have kids, great but don't feel the need to sling demeaning slurs about those who do. I do understand childless couples do come under allot of pressure to justify why they didn't have kids and that really is wrong. We don't know the situation behind their decision and as a society we shouldn't  feel we have the right to question anyone decision other than our own. I think allot of the heated comebacks are from the feeling of not being excepted or normal. But at some point we need to get over it and say, fuck it! It doesn't matter what others think I am happy with my life and why I have chosen not to have children.
Now in defense of fellow parents of the non-furry kind, we also shouldn't feel we have to justify why we had one or five children. And to be blamed for over populating is just wrong and crazy. Sometimes I think people say those things because, deep inside they do want kids or can't and lash out. I really hate when people make comments about the number of children I have. We are responsible parents who love our kids and make sure they are happy and well adjusted children. And chose to have that many, I would never call my children "accidents". They are happy polite loving girls who except all and don't have a mean bone in them. If we could we'd have a few more, if we could afford it. But at this point we are happy with our girls and how many we have. And couldn't imagine life without any of them. We chose to have a big family, if people don't agree with 5, then don't have 5 but don't impose your opinion or view on my family. And not to get political, we are PRO-CHOICE, we don't expect our choice to be placed on anyone else.
 Children are allot of work and not for the faint at heart. They get sick,they throw tantrums they are ungrateful, also loving and compassionate beyond their ages. You have to put your life on hold to put their lives first. This isn't something all parents do that have kids, and I feel sorry for them and their children. As a parent you have to make sacrifices for your children in very different ways from an animal. It sucks sometimes, but if you know it's for the best it only suck when you think about it! I played roller derby for a short while, but had to put it on the back burner because I was needed more at home for my girls. This was a big sacrifice because I LOVE derby. It was the one thing I could do, I was good at and had more fun than most will ever know. I get upset some times thinking of skating, but I know in a short time I can go back and play derby again. And my girls will be big enough to start skating too. How kick ass is that? A family of derby girl all ages.
But back to the argument, both sides are valid in their points and what needs to be done, is respect each others choices without throwing around slurs that hurt each other. Agree to disagree, something everyone could do in this world. So I say to both, you have  lovely babies who are blonde haired and blue eyes, pink skin or furry. You both have made decisions that benefit your self and your family and there's nothing wrong with either. In fact you should feel proud of your choices and that's all that should matter. So lets start a new chapter in our lives and try instead of criticizing others or expecting to tell someone how they should live their lives, lets embrace differences and try some restraint if we can't say anything nice. Like my mom always told me, "If you can't say anything nice or complementing, don't say anything at all ". Gotta love what mom says!

Parents getting older

I dread getting a late night phone call from back home, because it means something has happened. Or get a call from my mothers phone and it's someone else telling me, she's okay, but.... My mother is 83 years old and doing pretty well on her own, well that's what she and I guess my brother think.
Reality is a bit different. She is 83 and is being taken advantage of and bled dry every month by extended family and a free loading renter. She use to have a third leech or parasite but that was finally sent away to get some real help. Living on a railroad pension and getting supposed rent from 2 other units, she still doesn't have enough money to feed herself , get her teeth fixed when needed or just  have money in general. But there's no problem with what's going on.
Do I sound a bit pissed off or just plain had enough, you're right and I can't seem to find any logic to why this situation hasn't been fixed years ago. My brother who I love dearly, just seems to drag this out and thinks if he throws some money in the general direction things will be okay.
 I wanted to put her name on a list to get her in a senior housing unit. I gave him the information to go, and just said put her name on the list, it could take up to a year so we have time to get this in order. A year later I hear oh I should see the facility again and put her name down. WTF?!!!! Really? It took her almost dying to get power of attorney and other paperwork done, and even then he couldn't do that when it was needed. Waited till after she had surgery because he didn't want to upset her. Really?! He'd rather risk the state taking everything?  I just don't get it.
I call my mother a few times a week, to make sure she's okay and if she needs anything, but being thousands of miles away it's tough to really know. Not having a person there to check daily is rough. She has a niece who lives off her in the upper apartment, but doesn't have the best judgment on when help is really needed. And taking her to grocery shop for better food isn't dollar store stuff. And doesn't even realize it's because all my mothers money has gone to keep her and the tweeker renter fed and cash in their pockets and a car to drive.
So now here we are again, she in the hospital because she's not taking care of herself and eating properly. She could afford to have a service bring her meals daily, but all her money goes to everyone than herself. So once again, I will tell my brother to get this shit taken care of. And I'll get a, "I will look into this or I can take care of it", and then nothing.
We just got news a larger house with a a 4th bedroom is going to be ours in a few months. Room enough for us and hopefully grandma. This time around I am going to push for changes to be made quicker, or I 'll be flying up there to pack her up and take her back down here. There won't be any opportunity to drag this out any more!
Why is change so hard? I know it's scary and the first step is tough, but when you know it's the best for a loved one why would you hesitate at all? Why is the only child who isn't even blood the only one who is willing to care for her unconditionally? Life is not black and white, it's full of subtle grays and empty space that requires one to be willing to see it all for what it is. There is always more than one solution and we should know when to step up and make hard choices.
Maybe not making the hard decisions is a way of not facing age and the future we all face, death. Our parents grow old and we have to step up and fill their shoes, scary thought but reality. We can't just take a blind eye to the realization our parents don't live forever. It's our duty to make sure as they grow old and are safe and taken care of weather by us or someone else. To let a parent be taken advantage of is just as bad as to let them be abused.,especially when we know something can be done to stop it. We need to make sure the last year or 10 years are the best for them. Make them feel like they do have a purpose and meaning in our lives, even if it's just sitting down with our children and telling them stories, it all has purpose. And as they get older, I think that's something they lose and feel they are more of a burden. I want my mother to feel happy and wanted, and I know I can give it to her, even if it's for a short while. My daughters will remember that time and cherish it for a life time, and I will know I did everything I possibly could to make her happy and safe.
Why is that such a hard task to accomplish? How else can I reach him to see we need to do this all for her before it's too late. And not end up, saying I wish we would have done this sooner. Time will tell, but I hope it won't be too late.