The girls

The girls

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Kept in the Dark

    As many of my friends know I am adopted, what many don't know is the struggle I have had finding information about my biological family. Many adopted children born from the mid  70's and back have struggled obtaining what many take for granted. Your medical history. This really has nothing to do with "finding" biological parents, even though it could be helpful in many ways. A very simple one, who you look like. Since I found out I was adopted I have a blank in my life. A very LARGE blank, not just who do I look like but who do my girls look like. Who will they grow up and be like? The biggest blank and a very scary one is absolutely no medical history. For myself it has not been a big deal, up until I had children. Now my blank could effect their well beings.
   Why are my rights to know updated medical history denied and worse to know I have to pay up to $1000 to maybe get that information, but it's all masked as a search for biological parents. Which if you did want to find them you have to pay more for that information. I feel many closed mined now old people running the adoptions back in the 70's,60's and 50's intentionally overlooked in my opinion the most important paper a biological parent should sign. The right to release the original birth certificate when requested by the adult child that was given up for adoption. Without that being signed as a yes or no, put I would think thousands on the same path I am on. Pay to get proper information or don't and just hope and pray you or your children don't get a horrible disease. How guilty many must feel not knowing they carry a genetic defect they may have passed to their children and all because some agency wants to turn a little cash to do something that should be free and automatically done after 20 years from an adoption and then every 10 years to keep current. I don't want to exclude children adopted after the 70's but many changes have been made to avoid this and many have done open adoption where all information is available to an adopted child. Think of all the changes in medicine, genetics, cancer and all it's complexities from now compared to 20 years ago. Sure for a much smaller fee an adopted person can get the inadequate, usually not complete form that was filled out at the time of birth. But who the hell thought of high blood pressure, mental illness or cancer at a young teen or early adult age? And most still had young parents who were healthy and fine. Wow thanks for making me pay for the little information I did get and a general description of my biological mother. The only good thing that came out was I have a brother born in 1965 who also was given up for adoption.
  There are so many smaller interest groups and gender/racial groups who are getting noticed for the in-just treatment of their rights being denied. But all the adopted people out there are still the dark secret still being kept in the closet and swept under the rug. We are being denied a right to know what our medical history is. And yes, they will say they contact adopted children in cases of "major" illness and "major" mental illness. But the system is so flawed that even then there is a struggle to find them, most with so little time that the parent is on their death bed or the devastation has already started or was too late to catch in time. Why do myself and others have to go for years with no idea if cancer, high blood pressure,diabetes, mental illness run in our family. Why do I have to leave that blank for myself and half blank for my children when filling out important medical papers? Why do I have to pay? Why wasn't this cost added into the "services" the adoption agency charges so every 10 years there is already a system in place to get updated information for adopted people on their health history?
  Oh wait, because "some"people may use it to "find" their child or parent who gave them up. The horror 20 years after being adopted want to know something about your biological family, what cruel injustice to the parents who adopted that child have to "share" the child they raised!!! Why do people think a child who was adopted, and GROWN! All of a sudden forgets the parents who raised them because they found the parent who made the ultimate parental sacrifice and gave their child up for what ever reasons. The only way that would play out as if the adopted parents were cruel and horrible to that child. Otherwise if they did their job right, the child will always love them and appreciate what they did, but have a gap or blank in their lives only seeing their biological family can fill or answer. It sounds stupid or superficial to long for knowing who you look like, but unless you were adopted and have no open adoption to have pictures of biological parents and family you will never know what a huge blank it really is. Try taking all your pictures you have from your parents and relatives and hide away, then replace your parents with another set, maybe even similar but not the real ones. Then put yourself with them, and now realize all the people you knew or had that you could say you look like are gone. Now how do you identify your lineage and who you or you children might look like. Seems trivial until it's all taken away. It's like looking into a mirror and seeing nothing, even though you are standing in front of it.
  How do we make a movement to change this? Who will be the champion to correct this injustice that thousands, maybe even millions face. Why won't someone realize a 44 year old mother of 5 wants some answers on current updated medical history for herself and children, and shouldn't have to pay anything more than a return envelope or stamp to mail it. Better yet, email it and save the postage, I can print it out and finally know. Why am I denied but others get to know if they have the cash. And God forbid that maybe even a reunion happen to fill in the gap that has been there for so long? Until something changes or someone can take my little blog to the next level, I still am the dirty secret, the little girl who didn't quite belong. The young woman who got excuses of fire or not yet transferred to "microfiche" and now the older woman of 5 beautiful children who just wants to know if she will see her girls grow up and to never worry if they might get horribly ill that could have been caught if she just knew. And feels it is in-just to have to pay a cent to get this information.
  So for now I, like so many others stay in the dark, the dark secret that still many don't want to let us know the truth. We stay in the dark and hope and pray we never have to feel guilty we passed something on to our children because no one foresaw the need to update and notify adopted people about their medical history. We stay the hidden secret now, in the day gay rights are finally being recognized, where equal rights for all, where the internet can eliminate the wait of mail and can enable the search that took months and years can be done now in days. We wait and hope nothing horrible happens for the sake of our spouses and children.  We wait in the dark and hope that some day instead of a blank we finally see who we are, even if it's just once.
  I have a blank an empty past, a past I would love to know and share with my beautiful girls.
My blog today I add no pictures, my life today I make, but my past was never shared and is a blank.

Friday, January 25, 2013


As a child we define family as our mom,dad, siblings if we have them and grandparents, maybe some aunts and uncles. We hopefully were taught that family sometimes is all you have. To love your family unconditional. And if we're lucky that stays true for a while. We all have fights, but we also have to learn to forgive and move on. Something that gets lost in adult issues that trickle down to the children. As we get older the dynamic of family changes, we start to define ourselves and try to make our own decisions on what family is. We fight with our parents for independence, we fight with siblings over who is liked more or clothes or space. But hopefully we also understand  family is suppose to be there no matter what. We are suppose to love our parents, our sisters and brothers. But sometimes that gets lost in adult dysfunction that instead of breaking the cycle it is passed to another generation. When we become adults we're suppose to have a better relationship with our family more grown up, but sometimes we still are treated as a baby or the black sheep of the family. The one who was different weather it was because of seeing things different, being adopted or just looking different from everyone else. What was funny as children can be hurtful as adults, not being validated or having an opinion that deserves respect can be hard for parents and family to honor. Sometimes the cycle of dysfunction can't be broke without leaving those we thought of as family. The hard decisions of what is right for us as adults can effect our lives forever. The definition of family changes again. As we get older and start our own families, we have to decide what baggage we bring to this new family and what changes we want to make. Still wanting value having a connection with parents and siblings and extended family. But where or how do we cut out the parts that don't work or hurt us in the process.

If we're lucky we have children of our own and start to make definition of what we want our family to be, traditions, morals and how we treat one another. We make what our family should be and hopefully breaking out of what baggage we had from our pasts. If we are lucky our children have grandparents who care and love them, learning from our elders is important and teaches our children to learn things about the past, and grandparents are suppose to enrich our children and give them new or old perspective on things. It's also a good learning tool for us as parents to point out what was okay then may not be now. Our children learn about how mom and dad were kids one day and silly things they did. Unfortunately it doesn't always work out that way.
 What was a loving sister or mother could one day turn their backs on us and we may never know why. Mental illness may change our families forever pitting siblings and parents against each other. Past issues our parents had, may divide adult siblings to take sides. Sometimes it may just be easier to leave parents and siblings behind, never to speak or see each other again. And that's for adults to choose, but how do we put this in perspective to our children. How do we try to keep or children from making those same mistakes or painful decisions? Some decisions are right for the situations, but how do we keep our kids from becoming bitter or loose the ability to forgive and move on? It is such a slippery slope and how do we keep from taking our children down that same path. Maybe I am too simplistic thinking we can change our children to do better and love and forgive. Put all the hate and hurt our parents may have caused and leave it in the past. I, as many know had a troubled past of being adopted and not finding out till I was a young adult. It was a very painful experience that took some years to deal with. It also was a defining moment in my life to never let the negative ever rule my life or take me down. Also, to never lie. No matter how painful something may be it is better to tell the truth than to live a lie for even a minute. People say they never see me sad, that I always am smiling. It's true most of the time but the smile can also hide hurt or sadness I feel inside, but I know everything works it's way out and somethings I have no control over what happens. Which as a mother of 5 I have learned well!
 I have tried to make sense of the latest trouble we have had with family over the holidays. Usually we get phone calls and cards and a few gifts from both grandmas and my brother. This year and actually leading up to Christmas we have had almost no communication from my sister in law and no contact from my mother in law. And I have tried to call, left messages over the summer but after 3-4 months of nothing I gave up. Christmas came and not even a card from their grandmother to say I love you and miss her 5 grand daughters. They have the ability to SKYPE with us and did a few times in the past, not even that. My mother sent a card and cute dresses for the girls, called Christmas Eve to say she loves them and SKYPED the following day with help from my brother. My brother also sent some cards with a little money for each girl, they were grateful for everything they got and called to thank them both. They also gave in the past phone calls and thank you's for any gift given by their other grandmother and aunt. So why all of a sudden do we just get written off?
Not to mention how does this make Johnny feel besides the girls? The girls don't understand, they think their aunt and grandma don't like them. Johnny I can only imagine what he feels, I'd feel like crap if none of my family called or came to visit. We have offered to pay for flights, to help with gas, instead they would rather visit 3rd cousins in Iowa 3-4 times a year. Really?!! Then post for us to see their trips and how much fun they have, yet never make an effort to at least get their mom down to see us. So Johnny got fed up and pretty much told them to Fuck Off! I don't blame him. They now have blocked us from their Facebook pages and we have gotten no calls to justify their actions or even a "what's going on?" So how do we explain what's happened to our girls. What an awful feeling they must have knowing their grandma has no desire to see or talk to them, or that their aunt doesn't want to know them. This is just one more reason I try to instill to my girls that your family is who cares for you. And that your sisters may make you angry, but you need to forgive and always remember no matter what, they will always be there for you, just like mom and dad.
I just am not wired to cut family out forever no matter what they have done. But that's just me, I forgive but I never forget and that's the difference. I think if you never forgive you will never know if things could change, and if you just forget you open yourself to be treated like that always. You have told them it's okay to treat you bad. Don't they say you get treated the way you allow people to treat you. To forgive, even if you never see or talk to them again, you have come to terms with the problem, forgave and moved on. To not forget reminds you of how you never want to be treated or wronged again. It make you grow as a person, and hopefully for the better. To be bitter and angry never ends well nor will your life get any better. Where am I going with this? Not sure all I know that we moved to leave the drama, though it seems others want to keep the drama going and pin it on us. I feel sorry for those people, we moved to better ourselves and are doing that. We have made our own family with the wonderful people who have opened their homes and heart to our family and we love them for that. They have the wonderful chance to see and be apart of our girls lives. Too bad there are people who see themselves as grandmother and aunt who will never get the chance.
 Love those who hurt you, because they are hurting more than what they have done to you. Forgive even if it's difficult, life is too short to dwell on the negative. Be happy with what you have and those you have around you, some people have none. Enjoy every moment and be grateful for the ones who love you, we never know how long they have on earth or what our lives hold. It's easier to forgive than waste your time dwelling on the negative.
 I love my family even the ones who have hurt me, because that is my nature. I only hope my children have the same ability to forgive and move on, because they wonderful futures to live and I would hate for them to waste even a minute on the negative. My life's motto is long and disjointed and crazy," don't waste your time on things you have no control over, don't waste your energy on negative feelings or people they will just bring you down, smile it makes you feel better, enjoy every moment even the bad, take what life has given you and make the best of it, otherwise you dwell on the bad and never see what life could have given you, love every day like it's your last and love the ones you have around you because you don't know how long they have either, enjoy every bite and morsel of good food it's good for the soul, laugh often even if it make you pee, enjoy good friends they make our lives worth every moment, give back what you can it always makes a difference, speak your mind and the truth someone is always listening, be a good friend, it comes back 10 fold, swear often it just makes you feel better!."

 My life is an unfinished work, so I always have tomorrow to improve it some more.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Life is never easy

I haven't posted for a LONG time, sorry. But with 5 girls it gets a little crazy. As all marriages go, there's ups and downs. Lately it's been down, most has to do with health and a daily dealing with pain, so having an unpleasant spouse isn't a shock! Also, the conclusion we are not having any more children was a sad topic but I've come to embrace and except it. I look forward to in a short 2 years, be able to go back to work in some capacity, day time for sure, but ADULTS!!! I look forward to that, I look forward to a 2 income family and vacations we don't have to pack the entire house for. I like that! So birth-control is always an issue, I felt that having the responsibility for the past 25+ years it was his deal now for once. Unfortunately with his health I opted to be the first (but not the only) to permanently take care of this, since he wasn't in the best form to get "sniped". But as the good old Treasaigh luck has it, right before the surgery date wouldn't you know it..... positive, OMG! The bombshell didn't go over well and of course created a wonderful atmosphere, and of course it still was my fault, even though it was his fault 100% this time. But who's pointing fingers now, any case we began to prepare for #6. I was very sad at the thought of pushing my plans back at least another 3-4 years, and the hubby wasn't at all  thrilled either at the possible changes. Just when it all started to sink in and dealing with changes, a bigger one happened. Fell super bad on the ice outside, and got worried. Went in and got tests done and an ultrasound the following day. Nothing was found, not a good nothing a weird bad nothing. No heartbeat and in fact no baby but an empty sac. It was very surreal because this was new, I never have dealt with nor had any miscarriages as long as I have been "productive". I didn't know how to react, I sat in the OB office waiting for the Dr. to see me, and everyone in the clinic had this sad smile for me and a reaction toward me of so sorry look. And I felt like should I be crying? Should I wring my hands or be sick? This was all so new, and the sadness of losing what could have been our only boy, and anger because my spouse was being a jackass and so wrapped up in what this all would do to him, I was sad and pissed all in one. I felt that my reaction wasn't appropriate for what was happening. The Dr was great, she understood I wanted some defined answers and didn't want sugar sweet coated crap. Just get to the point and what needs to happen now. Well her answer was pointed, but of course this wasn't a cut and dry miscarriage. So the idea of having to wait weeks for this all to figure out was not comforting at all. In fact it was depressing and frustrating to not get a yes it's a miscarriage and you will experience X,Y,Z or it's in your tube and we have to do surgery. NOOOOO, it's let wait and see, we need to take blood and do a biopsy and more blood drawn and then we'll see. In the mean time if your pain reaches a 9-10 for longer than an hour or you bleed so much within an hour, go to the ER. WTF?!!! I have already came to terms I lost my future baby, but now I have to let it die inside me slowly and you have no fucking idea where is could be. Not acceptable, but have no choice but to follow protocol. Then to drop the loss on the butthole who is so wrapped up in his own crap, wow what a great way to start the holidays! So the process begins, blood taken, wait, talk to Dr. then wait for the biopsy. Biopsy done, not a pleasant procedure, find out I need to get a shot of methotexate. That's a drug used for rheumatoid arthritis and in larger strength for chemotherapy. GREAT! Shoot it up, and let me get some normality back in my life. But no, it can intensify emotions and still having preggo hormones it kicked in high gear within 2 day after the injection. Well if hubby hadn't felt beat up on before, it would hit the fan then. I totally lost it, my emotions were raw and out of my control, and I let it all out to the point of fainting and throwing up. And then getting little response other than it was turned around to be my fault and boo hoo he was so hurt and sad and no one cared, it was wonderful, NOT! But the next day the Dr called and confirmed the emotions were all part of this and that hubby needed to buck up and deal. Surprisingly he did, and must have realized he needed to put someone other than himself first. Hubby on board, helpful and understanding down, but the rest still no closer to a definitive answer. So then we wait, blood drawn every other day till New Years Eve day, now every Friday until no pregnancy hormones, still not the out come I wanted. I do not know how a woman can keep trying after such a roll-coaster of shit and no quick way to heal and get back to normal. I know there are few like mine, but even a cut and dry situation has so many feelings and emotions that are tied to this event. I'm lucky, I have 5 beautiful healthy daughters, but what if we didn't have them? What if this was the last ditch effort to have just one? What a horrible experience to go through, and the fact that as a woman we have to deal with either the passing of this possible baby which at least you have a final event to move on. The body absorbing the baby is far worse in the fact there is no final situation, it just lingers for weeks till your body says it's done.To think, I have the body of a possible baby inside and it's just suppose to melts back into me,creepes me out, because you don't get any final good bye or experience to let the situation go. It's a phone call to tell you everything is back to normal, but it really never goes back to normal  I don't think I can go back to just me, it's something I will always lament over and wonder what if? I think, that could have been the only boy we'd ever have, and now I just want to fix things so I never will deal with something like this ever again. I thought premature twins was bad and would never make me want more, I think an unknown location of an ectopic pregnancy is far worse. And all the unknown wait and not a set way of dealing with this, was frustrating to say the least and didn't really give me emotional support I expected. I really know now what a very emotional and unsettling time someone must have to deal with when an ectopic or even a regular miscarriage happens. And for the male side, there was nothing to give him comfort in any way, no real advise to help him deal with a very un-involved sad situation. How is a man suppose to deal with his pain of a pregnancy ended and support his partner who has to deal with the physical and emotional loss. There just needs to be something more, and more help with the uncertainty for how thing progress. Ways to cope and deal with all the emotions one has to deal with and their family or partner. It has changed me internally forever, I don't think I will ever quite be the same, and that's another life altering event that one could use help dealing with. I am still dealing with the fact technically I am still pregnant, but it's wearing thin every time I go to get labs done, they ask the same question, first day of your last menstrual cycle, and "is this pregnancy related?" You would think if it's VERY apparent that this is a miscarriage in progress they could have that information already there, so the same painful question isn't asked every time. It does get a bit raw when you are getting tests done every 2-3 days and the question is asked, I wonder how someone very emotional or farther along would deal with that? I definitely have a greater consideration for those who have gone through this type of ordeal. I feel lucky to have a close friend who also dealt with something like this. She is very much like myself, straight forward when it comes to health issues and wants the truth straight up, don't pussy foot around or sugar coat, just tell me like it is and what we need to do. And how long does this take? She was my in house Dr. when I needed that extra support or information  needed. But what about a single person or one who didn't want family to know, what do they do? So many variables and seems very little broad support, this is something that needs those extra foundations to make sure no one in this condition is lost through the cracks, it could be life threatening. I am doing much better now, and look forward to getting back to normal, but this is definitely one of those life altering events that has change me forever. I am still happy and go lucky, but always a hint of sadness will always haunt me, if this one could have been the baby boy we always wished for, or that one blue eyed baby I always hoped for. In the end the hope for a healthy baby has been replaced with the sadness of loss and anticipation of what it could have been. Life goes on, but maybe not as quickly or as jovial as it was in the past. For those who have healthy children, hug and appreciate every day they are in our lives, for those who have lost children keep the precious memories you have close to heart and know you gave them the love they needed. Being a parent should be treasured and thought of as an honor, never a burden or loss. My thoughts and prayers are with each and every person I know and care for, and don't look for sympathy but understanding and thoughts of healing. Peace, happiness, good food and friends make life the wonderful thing it is.

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Government is going too far

So I haven't been posting much just because life is crazy for a mother of 5! But I had to get on and post because of all the crap floating around about health care for everyone. For some reason everyone thinks it will turn us into a socialist society? Well I hate to be the bearer of bad new we sure aren't a democratic society either! We lost the spirit of what America stands for a long time ago. Too many people were glamoured into money and more money and would do anything to get it. HMO's are the fat cats holding all the cards and get to charge more money than most could afford to have basic coverage, and we let them do it! Our government who is suppose to be watching out for our best interest but it's greed before our better cause. It kills me that all the skeptics cry out that it would never work in the USA and that it sucks where ever they have coverage for all it's citizens. Well all systems have down falls and some bad stories, but if over half the WORLD can do it why can't we? Oh wait because our government officials are out to make money for themselves and their friends who give them tons of money to pass laws that benefit them and screw the little man. That's the difference!
I'm sorry but it's pretty sad that for my husband to get help for some major health problems, he has to quit his job, or get fired because of his condition and go on disability to get any coverage. And he might not even get accepted because with simple surgery it could be corrected so they may not let him on. WTF!? I can't get coverage because we make too much, well we make 700 too much to get any help. We are in a society that doesn't care, and the ones that do are too scared or too tired to fight any more. Our government needs to be dismantled and reconstructed to be modern and have limits for everyone running. Guess who we'd get to be representing our interest if all officials had only 2,000 to run their election? No more big corporations funding their puppets to pass bogus laws and loopholes that benefit companies and individuals who should be paying more for their taxes. We would see people who truly want to make a difference and could even with limits of 3 terms. And no more all for me attitude, maybe governors who really want to better education and want our states to prosper.
 Maybe a government that realizes a medicinal drug had more benefits for thousands and could help our farmers do better than break even, free up thousands of jail cells for real criminal like sex offenders and murders, not your local pot dealer. And have people running government offices that don't push mutant food and growing habits that are causing more illness and cancers and go back to real food grown without chemicals and growth hormones, and let the public be able to see where their food comes from, all the way back to it's source. You worry about zombie Apocalypse, well it's going to be that and Demolition Man all in one. We have to take back our country and take back it's position as a respectable country that really is a place people want to live. Because right now, it's a place that no one wants to live in, and the people who do live there can't afford to move because it's government screwed them. And for those who want to point fingers, don't. This situation was caused by both sides and was fueled and let to fester by us. We all have taken a blind eye and would rather point blame than fix this problem. We need to take back what is ours, no more "sit ins" or doing nothing, we need to vote for those who want to do better, want to tax correctly and aren't puppets for big corporations. And sad to say, there is no one currently that fits the bill. As a country we need to vote no confidence in our government and re-build what our country should be. That's my simple thinking, but maybe more need to be more simple and honest than complicated and lie.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Being a Mother

I take the job of being a mom very serious. And it saddens my heart when I hear or see so many mothers who just don't care or abuse their beautiful gift of a child. There are so many people who can't have a child who want one so bad. Then you have the opposite those who have too many and blame their children for their troubles. I never understand why an innocent child can be blamed for an adults poor decisions? Or even a young mother who gets pregnant, she may be young but decided to be an adult and then made poor choices. It's not the beautiful innocent gift you created in any means fault. And if you can't or don't want the responsibility give it up or you should have never had it. There are many choices out there to help, it's a matter of stepping up and asking for help. I understand there are many who grew up in crappy dysfunctional homes, but holy crap, we all came from some type of dysfunction! And what would bring an individual to actually beat a small child is beyond my comprehension. I don't believe or give into the excuse they were just too stressed out and didn't know what they were doing. What the hell? I have 5 children under 10 and have never under any "stressful" situation beat the crap out of any of them. I may yell or swear, but know how to de-escalate the situation and if I do yell, apologize if I was in the wrong. The worst is the mother who gives their child to family to raise then skips back in to their lives after the hard work and foundation is laid. And pretend they are such a great mom! They think "oh I am such a good mom" I had my kid for 8 weeks out of the entire year, paid no support because the father should and it was my family taking care of the kid. Exposed them to many different partners, abuse and drugs, but I'm a good mom. No I was not there to hug them when they were sad or scared, when they were sick or just be there when really needed. Yes I said horrible crappy things to them, made a child feel as if they ruined my life and made them fear for my life every time they came to visit. Because of my abusive soon to be ex. But now that they are a teenager I am the best friend they have! I let them have sex at my house, do drugs and drink because it's better to do it with me than away with others. Yes, I screwed them up and did no favors for their self worth. Treated then poorly when I got mad for something they said or didn't do. This is the mom who should never share the name mother with me. Do I sound a bit angry or a bit irritated? Yes, I had to deal with someone very close to this. And it kills me this "mother" feels she is qualified to give parental advise, along with pregnancy advise too. I laugh at the fact she didn't take care of herself when she was pregnant 21+ years ago, and did nothing but complain the entire time of how horrible it all was and would never do it again. Well thank god for small miracles she didn't have more! I'm not an expert but I do think I know what it's like and can hopefully give some sound advise since I think 3 years for my last pregnancy is a bit closer than 21 years. Just saying, and yes I was the one who helped sooth the hurtful things she said and did to a wonderful gift of a child. I do think we revoked her membership in the mom club some time ago. I stood my ground and have kept being a mom even when it got me "un-friend ed" on Face Book. But did get back and again tried to give advise on crappy boy friends but still supported when a bad choice was made. I hope the good choices my first child (not by birth) makes are made with the advise I gave all along. Now that I am going to be a grandmother I hope I can help with what ever they need and hopefully get them closer and out of the dysfunctional atmosphere they are in now. My lovely child who's having a baby has no idea how much my distaste and real hatred for her birth mother goes. Being a good mom, I never let my children know if I really don't like someone or my real opinion. For may reasons, like kids repeat what you say, that's a big one. Others are I don't want to tarnish my kids view of me, to think their mom who likes everyone and tells them to go out of their way to make that bully their friend would hate anyone. I also want them to make their decisions on what they observe and see. I know that will change as they get older but hopefully I have taught them to choose their close friends wisely and to have more than one. So am I a hypocrite? Well maybe, but I have reasons why I don't like this one person. An excuse yes, but I can take it and am willing to live with it. So where has this whole vent gone? Being a mother, and what that means. To me it is the number one most important job in the world, even more than the president. We have hours beyond any job with overtime, and get paid squat. We have more stress to handle and multi-tasking than any job out there and still get no respect for doing a difficult job let along get much praise for doing a good job. No raises, heck no pay! Get discriminated for taking time out of the "real" job force to raise healthy well adjusted hard working kids with some morals and compassion. Don't get real respect and thankfulness from our kids till they're adults, but worth the wait. The most rewarding job to have, that no bonus could ever match the hug, kiss, snuggle and love you get from your child. I actually am sad we have planned to not have any more children. I love being a mom and take my job very serious. I am willing to put my wants and wishes on the back burner to put my children first. I know in a few years I can have a job and play derby and do more, I can wait. I don't want to miss a thing and know I am one richest people in the world. My currency is 5 beautiful girls who will grow up to be anything they want to be. Tough, pretty, caring, loving, tolerant,smart, kick ass kind of girls! Who hopefully will visit their mom often and love me for putting them first.  "Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children". One of the best quotes from The Crow. Another I love is from Enough "You have a divine animal right to protect your own life and the life of your offspring. To all the good Mothers out there, Way to go and don't give up you have many to help support you!

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

When to say no

When is it right to just say no?
Family is wonderful and most will do anything they can to be with them and oblige them. But when does appeasing family end and not going to every occasion not become a guilt trip? Even with elderly parents you just can't put your self short, just so they don't get upset. Case in point, my niece is having her wedding reception this summer, and is sound wonderful. As an Aunt who took care of her, I want to be there for her and our family. But it costs allot of money to make the trip back home with 5 children, not to mention the rising gas prices. Flying is just too much and leaves us stranded with no vehicle unless we rent one, more $$. Driving is the best option, but don't want to put that many miles on our truck so renting is the way to go. More money, plus gas which could reach close to $5 a gallon by this summer. So we have to drop about a grand just to get there and back, that's not food, hotels, money for entertainment or anything. And if Johnny did come he would be missing work that wouldn't be covered. So the question goes, "do we send a really nice gift or do I just fly and do a quick weekend or do we go for broke?"
Ask Johnny, he'd say we send a gift since other than my mother NO ONE has came down to visit us here. His mother came down twice during the Las Cruces time, but has not came to Taos even when the babies were born. He'll also point out the fact we came up when the twins were 6 months and if he hadn't tattooed about 20 people we would have never made it back to New Mexico. He doesn't feel obligated to go. I can understand his point of view. Also he'll say we could take 2 really fun vacations with the girls  down here and find some new spots we have never been to, and won't put ourselves in debt or worry we won't be able to cover our bills. Oh by the way only one of us works right now, so income is tight.
Myself, I am torn and have the guilt of disappointing family if we don't come. I always feel pressure to still do what makes my mother happy even if I don't want to do it! I worry what other relatives will say or think which is pretty dumb since I would love to tell half of them to go fuck a tree! I also want to see some friends and hit some places I miss in Minneapolis. So I am a bit selfish on wanting to go. But I do know it is a huge stretch of our budget and we'll have to really scrimp to make it work kind of. Plus like Johnny, I am a bit pissed that NO ONE has even made an effort to visit us here in beautiful Taos. Makes me feel a bit unappreciated and not wanted. Oh we want to see you, but you have to truck 2200 miles across the USA with 5 kids, and we know you're not working right now so you don't really have the money to do it, but you have to come up here.
So what's a girl to do? I could ask for certain family members to pitch in, but why should I ask? Shouldn't they offer knowing this is a BIG undertaking and financially not easy? I want to go, but not at the loss income or our living conditions. On top of it all we are moving just weeks before this wedding and won't even have the house unpacked, then expected to drop it all and go for broke. I think I have made my mind up, but why am I afraid to tell my mother and brother? I hate to upset my mom, and well my brother I just don't want to hear his tone! I shouldn't be afraid, hell I'm 43 and a mother of 5, but feel like I'm 16 when it comes to standing up and doing what I want to do. WTF?!!! I guess I worry, what if I miss the last time to see my mother, and what if this upsets her so bad she gets sick? I mean she's 83 and frail and misses the girls so much, I would hate to hurt her feelings. But I know I can't let that cloud common sense and what is best for my family. Oh shit I hate these things, but I know what I have to do.
Hope my girls don't go through this about me when I'm that old. Even though you ask the girls now, they want to live with mommy and daddy forever and cry to think they would have to leave us. I tell them, "oh just wait till your a teenager, you'll want to leave and not be with us ever again!" hahaha Hopefully not, but I think we all go through that phase. I just don't want them to make decisions based on what mom or dad want and not what they want. Good or bad they need to make those choices and mistakes without guilt. I really don't want them to carry this kind of guilt and willingness to just do what mom says to keep the peace. I want them to say,NO I am going to do it my way and you may not like it, but can support it or be lonely without me around for a while. I would cry, and then be happy my girls can make their own path and know mom and dad support them with what ever they do.
Gotta pull the big girl panties up and just do it! Wish me luck I'm going to need it! Unless you find that big bag of money we lost or want to lend me a car that seats 6 and gets good gas mileage. Or just give me a bunch of money to go! hahaha just kidding but it would be cool! Looking for that rainbow to make a wish come true or the silver lining to make doing the right thing not so painful. Growing up and doing the right thing SUCKS!!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

What defines a family?

Very interesting subject just came up. I feel like I'm on the fence with this one, because I agree with both sides. What defines a family and your "children?"
As a single person I defined my little family as myself and my best friend and baby "Sirius" my beautiful Rottie. She loved me unconditional and had her own personality and funny things she did. She was the best partners I ever had and got me through some rough times. After I got married and had my girls, they became my babies but my faithful  sweet dog never stopped being my baby either. Our family dynamic didn't get complicated, it just got bigger. The argument arose from a comment that dogs are not children.
I understand both sides, since I have been on both sides. What was surprising was how animate both sides got and how it quickly escalated to slinging not so nice slurs.Yes,dogs are not children, THANK GOD! But do have some similar characteristics children do. And dogs give just as much affection and the same feeling of love we get from children. Dogs give the same sense of companionship and need for us like children, but can't verbalize back to us. Many people have dogs and cats to fill their need to nurture and share their love. Not just single people or  childless couples but the elderly or people who's children may have passed. Those dogs and cats benefit those people in so many ways, not just a pet in their home or lives. I think to say they are not babies or children may be a bit harsh.
I have had dogs my whole life, they have been my best friends and companions. Our Neapolitan Aurora was a rescue dog from a really bad situation. It took almost 2 years to get her to trust us and know we will never leave her or abuse her, she is a part of our family. She is so sweet and gentle with our girls, especially the twins. Who when they came home she would guard them and stay very close. She also is my second shadow, follows me EVERYWHERE! I love that she never wants to leave my side, but to whine outside of the bathroom door is little much. But she shows love and affection to our family, and the girls don't think of her as an animal, they see her as a part of our family, just with a hair problem.
The difference is dogs don't need us in ways children do, and won't put us through hell and back.
Many people who have dogs and cats instead of children have very couple type life style. I personally think some people with just animals who say they "chose" not to have kids are also self centered  and are not willing to give up their current life style to have children who demand all of our time. This isn't bad, in fact there are people out there who have kids who should have just stuck to having dogs or cats. Many people don't want to give up anything they have worked for or finally achieved for anyone, children included. More power to you! But please don't refer to myself or others who do have children as "breeders", or that we are "over populating". It's just like someone with tattoos, don't criticize those who have them, if you don't like them, DON'T GET THEM!".
Same concept, if you don't have kids, great but don't feel the need to sling demeaning slurs about those who do. I do understand childless couples do come under allot of pressure to justify why they didn't have kids and that really is wrong. We don't know the situation behind their decision and as a society we shouldn't  feel we have the right to question anyone decision other than our own. I think allot of the heated comebacks are from the feeling of not being excepted or normal. But at some point we need to get over it and say, fuck it! It doesn't matter what others think I am happy with my life and why I have chosen not to have children.
Now in defense of fellow parents of the non-furry kind, we also shouldn't feel we have to justify why we had one or five children. And to be blamed for over populating is just wrong and crazy. Sometimes I think people say those things because, deep inside they do want kids or can't and lash out. I really hate when people make comments about the number of children I have. We are responsible parents who love our kids and make sure they are happy and well adjusted children. And chose to have that many, I would never call my children "accidents". They are happy polite loving girls who except all and don't have a mean bone in them. If we could we'd have a few more, if we could afford it. But at this point we are happy with our girls and how many we have. And couldn't imagine life without any of them. We chose to have a big family, if people don't agree with 5, then don't have 5 but don't impose your opinion or view on my family. And not to get political, we are PRO-CHOICE, we don't expect our choice to be placed on anyone else.
 Children are allot of work and not for the faint at heart. They get sick,they throw tantrums they are ungrateful, also loving and compassionate beyond their ages. You have to put your life on hold to put their lives first. This isn't something all parents do that have kids, and I feel sorry for them and their children. As a parent you have to make sacrifices for your children in very different ways from an animal. It sucks sometimes, but if you know it's for the best it only suck when you think about it! I played roller derby for a short while, but had to put it on the back burner because I was needed more at home for my girls. This was a big sacrifice because I LOVE derby. It was the one thing I could do, I was good at and had more fun than most will ever know. I get upset some times thinking of skating, but I know in a short time I can go back and play derby again. And my girls will be big enough to start skating too. How kick ass is that? A family of derby girl all ages.
But back to the argument, both sides are valid in their points and what needs to be done, is respect each others choices without throwing around slurs that hurt each other. Agree to disagree, something everyone could do in this world. So I say to both, you have  lovely babies who are blonde haired and blue eyes, pink skin or furry. You both have made decisions that benefit your self and your family and there's nothing wrong with either. In fact you should feel proud of your choices and that's all that should matter. So lets start a new chapter in our lives and try instead of criticizing others or expecting to tell someone how they should live their lives, lets embrace differences and try some restraint if we can't say anything nice. Like my mom always told me, "If you can't say anything nice or complementing, don't say anything at all ". Gotta love what mom says!