Life is never easy

I haven't posted for a LONG time, sorry. But with 5 girls it gets a little crazy. As all marriages go, there's ups and downs. Lately it's been down, most has to do with health and a daily dealing with pain, so having an unpleasant spouse isn't a shock! Also, the conclusion we are not having any more children was a sad topic but I've come to embrace and except it. I look forward to in a short 2 years, be able to go back to work in some capacity, day time for sure, but ADULTS!!! I look forward to that, I look forward to a 2 income family and vacations we don't have to pack the entire house for. I like that! So birth-control is always an issue, I felt that having the responsibility for the past 25+ years it was his deal now for once. Unfortunately with his health I opted to be the first (but not the only) to permanently take care of this, since he wasn't in the best form to get "sniped". But as the good old Treasaigh luck has it, right before the surgery date wouldn't you know it..... positive, OMG! The bombshell didn't go over well and of course created a wonderful atmosphere, and of course it still was my fault, even though it was his fault 100% this time. But who's pointing fingers now, any case we began to prepare for #6. I was very sad at the thought of pushing my plans back at least another 3-4 years, and the hubby wasn't at all  thrilled either at the possible changes. Just when it all started to sink in and dealing with changes, a bigger one happened. Fell super bad on the ice outside, and got worried. Went in and got tests done and an ultrasound the following day. Nothing was found, not a good nothing a weird bad nothing. No heartbeat and in fact no baby but an empty sac. It was very surreal because this was new, I never have dealt with nor had any miscarriages as long as I have been "productive". I didn't know how to react, I sat in the OB office waiting for the Dr. to see me, and everyone in the clinic had this sad smile for me and a reaction toward me of so sorry look. And I felt like should I be crying? Should I wring my hands or be sick? This was all so new, and the sadness of losing what could have been our only boy, and anger because my spouse was being a jackass and so wrapped up in what this all would do to him, I was sad and pissed all in one. I felt that my reaction wasn't appropriate for what was happening. The Dr was great, she understood I wanted some defined answers and didn't want sugar sweet coated crap. Just get to the point and what needs to happen now. Well her answer was pointed, but of course this wasn't a cut and dry miscarriage. So the idea of having to wait weeks for this all to figure out was not comforting at all. In fact it was depressing and frustrating to not get a yes it's a miscarriage and you will experience X,Y,Z or it's in your tube and we have to do surgery. NOOOOO, it's let wait and see, we need to take blood and do a biopsy and more blood drawn and then we'll see. In the mean time if your pain reaches a 9-10 for longer than an hour or you bleed so much within an hour, go to the ER. WTF?!!! I have already came to terms I lost my future baby, but now I have to let it die inside me slowly and you have no fucking idea where is could be. Not acceptable, but have no choice but to follow protocol. Then to drop the loss on the butthole who is so wrapped up in his own crap, wow what a great way to start the holidays! So the process begins, blood taken, wait, talk to Dr. then wait for the biopsy. Biopsy done, not a pleasant procedure, find out I need to get a shot of methotexate. That's a drug used for rheumatoid arthritis and in larger strength for chemotherapy. GREAT! Shoot it up, and let me get some normality back in my life. But no, it can intensify emotions and still having preggo hormones it kicked in high gear within 2 day after the injection. Well if hubby hadn't felt beat up on before, it would hit the fan then. I totally lost it, my emotions were raw and out of my control, and I let it all out to the point of fainting and throwing up. And then getting little response other than it was turned around to be my fault and boo hoo he was so hurt and sad and no one cared, it was wonderful, NOT! But the next day the Dr called and confirmed the emotions were all part of this and that hubby needed to buck up and deal. Surprisingly he did, and must have realized he needed to put someone other than himself first. Hubby on board, helpful and understanding down, but the rest still no closer to a definitive answer. So then we wait, blood drawn every other day till New Years Eve day, now every Friday until no pregnancy hormones, still not the out come I wanted. I do not know how a woman can keep trying after such a roll-coaster of shit and no quick way to heal and get back to normal. I know there are few like mine, but even a cut and dry situation has so many feelings and emotions that are tied to this event. I'm lucky, I have 5 beautiful healthy daughters, but what if we didn't have them? What if this was the last ditch effort to have just one? What a horrible experience to go through, and the fact that as a woman we have to deal with either the passing of this possible baby which at least you have a final event to move on. The body absorbing the baby is far worse in the fact there is no final situation, it just lingers for weeks till your body says it's done.To think, I have the body of a possible baby inside and it's just suppose to melts back into me,creepes me out, because you don't get any final good bye or experience to let the situation go. It's a phone call to tell you everything is back to normal, but it really never goes back to normal  I don't think I can go back to just me, it's something I will always lament over and wonder what if? I think, that could have been the only boy we'd ever have, and now I just want to fix things so I never will deal with something like this ever again. I thought premature twins was bad and would never make me want more, I think an unknown location of an ectopic pregnancy is far worse. And all the unknown wait and not a set way of dealing with this, was frustrating to say the least and didn't really give me emotional support I expected. I really know now what a very emotional and unsettling time someone must have to deal with when an ectopic or even a regular miscarriage happens. And for the male side, there was nothing to give him comfort in any way, no real advise to help him deal with a very un-involved sad situation. How is a man suppose to deal with his pain of a pregnancy ended and support his partner who has to deal with the physical and emotional loss. There just needs to be something more, and more help with the uncertainty for how thing progress. Ways to cope and deal with all the emotions one has to deal with and their family or partner. It has changed me internally forever, I don't think I will ever quite be the same, and that's another life altering event that one could use help dealing with. I am still dealing with the fact technically I am still pregnant, but it's wearing thin every time I go to get labs done, they ask the same question, first day of your last menstrual cycle, and "is this pregnancy related?" You would think if it's VERY apparent that this is a miscarriage in progress they could have that information already there, so the same painful question isn't asked every time. It does get a bit raw when you are getting tests done every 2-3 days and the question is asked, I wonder how someone very emotional or farther along would deal with that? I definitely have a greater consideration for those who have gone through this type of ordeal. I feel lucky to have a close friend who also dealt with something like this. She is very much like myself, straight forward when it comes to health issues and wants the truth straight up, don't pussy foot around or sugar coat, just tell me like it is and what we need to do. And how long does this take? She was my in house Dr. when I needed that extra support or information  needed. But what about a single person or one who didn't want family to know, what do they do? So many variables and seems very little broad support, this is something that needs those extra foundations to make sure no one in this condition is lost through the cracks, it could be life threatening. I am doing much better now, and look forward to getting back to normal, but this is definitely one of those life altering events that has change me forever. I am still happy and go lucky, but always a hint of sadness will always haunt me, if this one could have been the baby boy we always wished for, or that one blue eyed baby I always hoped for. In the end the hope for a healthy baby has been replaced with the sadness of loss and anticipation of what it could have been. Life goes on, but maybe not as quickly or as jovial as it was in the past. For those who have healthy children, hug and appreciate every day they are in our lives, for those who have lost children keep the precious memories you have close to heart and know you gave them the love they needed. Being a parent should be treasured and thought of as an honor, never a burden or loss. My thoughts and prayers are with each and every person I know and care for, and don't look for sympathy but understanding and thoughts of healing. Peace, happiness, good food and friends make life the wonderful thing it is.