REDEFINING FAMILY

As a child we define family as our mom,dad, siblings if we have them and grandparents, maybe some aunts and uncles. We hopefully were taught that family sometimes is all you have. To love your family unconditional. And if we're lucky that stays true for a while. We all have fights, but we also have to learn to forgive and move on. Something that gets lost in adult issues that trickle down to the children. As we get older the dynamic of family changes, we start to define ourselves and try to make our own decisions on what family is. We fight with our parents for independence, we fight with siblings over who is liked more or clothes or space. But hopefully we also understand  family is suppose to be there no matter what. We are suppose to love our parents, our sisters and brothers. But sometimes that gets lost in adult dysfunction that instead of breaking the cycle it is passed to another generation. When we become adults we're suppose to have a better relationship with our family more grown up, but sometimes we still are treated as a baby or the black sheep of the family. The one who was different weather it was because of seeing things different, being adopted or just looking different from everyone else. What was funny as children can be hurtful as adults, not being validated or having an opinion that deserves respect can be hard for parents and family to honor. Sometimes the cycle of dysfunction can't be broke without leaving those we thought of as family. The hard decisions of what is right for us as adults can effect our lives forever. The definition of family changes again. As we get older and start our own families, we have to decide what baggage we bring to this new family and what changes we want to make. Still wanting value having a connection with parents and siblings and extended family. But where or how do we cut out the parts that don't work or hurt us in the process.

If we're lucky we have children of our own and start to make definition of what we want our family to be, traditions, morals and how we treat one another. We make what our family should be and hopefully breaking out of what baggage we had from our pasts. If we are lucky our children have grandparents who care and love them, learning from our elders is important and teaches our children to learn things about the past, and grandparents are suppose to enrich our children and give them new or old perspective on things. It's also a good learning tool for us as parents to point out what was okay then may not be now. Our children learn about how mom and dad were kids one day and silly things they did. Unfortunately it doesn't always work out that way.
 What was a loving sister or mother could one day turn their backs on us and we may never know why. Mental illness may change our families forever pitting siblings and parents against each other. Past issues our parents had, may divide adult siblings to take sides. Sometimes it may just be easier to leave parents and siblings behind, never to speak or see each other again. And that's for adults to choose, but how do we put this in perspective to our children. How do we try to keep or children from making those same mistakes or painful decisions? Some decisions are right for the situations, but how do we keep our kids from becoming bitter or loose the ability to forgive and move on? It is such a slippery slope and how do we keep from taking our children down that same path. Maybe I am too simplistic thinking we can change our children to do better and love and forgive. Put all the hate and hurt our parents may have caused and leave it in the past. I, as many know had a troubled past of being adopted and not finding out till I was a young adult. It was a very painful experience that took some years to deal with. It also was a defining moment in my life to never let the negative ever rule my life or take me down. Also, to never lie. No matter how painful something may be it is better to tell the truth than to live a lie for even a minute. People say they never see me sad, that I always am smiling. It's true most of the time but the smile can also hide hurt or sadness I feel inside, but I know everything works it's way out and somethings I have no control over what happens. Which as a mother of 5 I have learned well!
 I have tried to make sense of the latest trouble we have had with family over the holidays. Usually we get phone calls and cards and a few gifts from both grandmas and my brother. This year and actually leading up to Christmas we have had almost no communication from my sister in law and no contact from my mother in law. And I have tried to call, left messages over the summer but after 3-4 months of nothing I gave up. Christmas came and not even a card from their grandmother to say I love you and miss her 5 grand daughters. They have the ability to SKYPE with us and did a few times in the past, not even that. My mother sent a card and cute dresses for the girls, called Christmas Eve to say she loves them and SKYPED the following day with help from my brother. My brother also sent some cards with a little money for each girl, they were grateful for everything they got and called to thank them both. They also gave in the past phone calls and thank you's for any gift given by their other grandmother and aunt. So why all of a sudden do we just get written off?
Not to mention how does this make Johnny feel besides the girls? The girls don't understand, they think their aunt and grandma don't like them. Johnny I can only imagine what he feels, I'd feel like crap if none of my family called or came to visit. We have offered to pay for flights, to help with gas, instead they would rather visit 3rd cousins in Iowa 3-4 times a year. Really?!! Then post for us to see their trips and how much fun they have, yet never make an effort to at least get their mom down to see us. So Johnny got fed up and pretty much told them to Fuck Off! I don't blame him. They now have blocked us from their Facebook pages and we have gotten no calls to justify their actions or even a "what's going on?" So how do we explain what's happened to our girls. What an awful feeling they must have knowing their grandma has no desire to see or talk to them, or that their aunt doesn't want to know them. This is just one more reason I try to instill to my girls that your family is who cares for you. And that your sisters may make you angry, but you need to forgive and always remember no matter what, they will always be there for you, just like mom and dad.
I just am not wired to cut family out forever no matter what they have done. But that's just me, I forgive but I never forget and that's the difference. I think if you never forgive you will never know if things could change, and if you just forget you open yourself to be treated like that always. You have told them it's okay to treat you bad. Don't they say you get treated the way you allow people to treat you. To forgive, even if you never see or talk to them again, you have come to terms with the problem, forgave and moved on. To not forget reminds you of how you never want to be treated or wronged again. It make you grow as a person, and hopefully for the better. To be bitter and angry never ends well nor will your life get any better. Where am I going with this? Not sure all I know that we moved to leave the drama, though it seems others want to keep the drama going and pin it on us. I feel sorry for those people, we moved to better ourselves and are doing that. We have made our own family with the wonderful people who have opened their homes and heart to our family and we love them for that. They have the wonderful chance to see and be apart of our girls lives. Too bad there are people who see themselves as grandmother and aunt who will never get the chance.
 Love those who hurt you, because they are hurting more than what they have done to you. Forgive even if it's difficult, life is too short to dwell on the negative. Be happy with what you have and those you have around you, some people have none. Enjoy every moment and be grateful for the ones who love you, we never know how long they have on earth or what our lives hold. It's easier to forgive than waste your time dwelling on the negative.
 I love my family even the ones who have hurt me, because that is my nature. I only hope my children have the same ability to forgive and move on, because they wonderful futures to live and I would hate for them to waste even a minute on the negative. My life's motto is long and disjointed and crazy," don't waste your time on things you have no control over, don't waste your energy on negative feelings or people they will just bring you down, smile it makes you feel better, enjoy every moment even the bad, take what life has given you and make the best of it, otherwise you dwell on the bad and never see what life could have given you, love every day like it's your last and love the ones you have around you because you don't know how long they have either, enjoy every bite and morsel of good food it's good for the soul, laugh often even if it make you pee, enjoy good friends they make our lives worth every moment, give back what you can it always makes a difference, speak your mind and the truth someone is always listening, be a good friend, it comes back 10 fold, swear often it just makes you feel better!."

 My life is an unfinished work, so I always have tomorrow to improve it some more.