The girls

The girls

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

When to say no

When is it right to just say no?
Family is wonderful and most will do anything they can to be with them and oblige them. But when does appeasing family end and not going to every occasion not become a guilt trip? Even with elderly parents you just can't put your self short, just so they don't get upset. Case in point, my niece is having her wedding reception this summer, and is sound wonderful. As an Aunt who took care of her, I want to be there for her and our family. But it costs allot of money to make the trip back home with 5 children, not to mention the rising gas prices. Flying is just too much and leaves us stranded with no vehicle unless we rent one, more $$. Driving is the best option, but don't want to put that many miles on our truck so renting is the way to go. More money, plus gas which could reach close to $5 a gallon by this summer. So we have to drop about a grand just to get there and back, that's not food, hotels, money for entertainment or anything. And if Johnny did come he would be missing work that wouldn't be covered. So the question goes, "do we send a really nice gift or do I just fly and do a quick weekend or do we go for broke?"
Ask Johnny, he'd say we send a gift since other than my mother NO ONE has came down to visit us here. His mother came down twice during the Las Cruces time, but has not came to Taos even when the babies were born. He'll also point out the fact we came up when the twins were 6 months and if he hadn't tattooed about 20 people we would have never made it back to New Mexico. He doesn't feel obligated to go. I can understand his point of view. Also he'll say we could take 2 really fun vacations with the girls  down here and find some new spots we have never been to, and won't put ourselves in debt or worry we won't be able to cover our bills. Oh by the way only one of us works right now, so income is tight.
Myself, I am torn and have the guilt of disappointing family if we don't come. I always feel pressure to still do what makes my mother happy even if I don't want to do it! I worry what other relatives will say or think which is pretty dumb since I would love to tell half of them to go fuck a tree! I also want to see some friends and hit some places I miss in Minneapolis. So I am a bit selfish on wanting to go. But I do know it is a huge stretch of our budget and we'll have to really scrimp to make it work kind of. Plus like Johnny, I am a bit pissed that NO ONE has even made an effort to visit us here in beautiful Taos. Makes me feel a bit unappreciated and not wanted. Oh we want to see you, but you have to truck 2200 miles across the USA with 5 kids, and we know you're not working right now so you don't really have the money to do it, but you have to come up here.
So what's a girl to do? I could ask for certain family members to pitch in, but why should I ask? Shouldn't they offer knowing this is a BIG undertaking and financially not easy? I want to go, but not at the loss income or our living conditions. On top of it all we are moving just weeks before this wedding and won't even have the house unpacked, then expected to drop it all and go for broke. I think I have made my mind up, but why am I afraid to tell my mother and brother? I hate to upset my mom, and well my brother I just don't want to hear his tone! I shouldn't be afraid, hell I'm 43 and a mother of 5, but feel like I'm 16 when it comes to standing up and doing what I want to do. WTF?!!! I guess I worry, what if I miss the last time to see my mother, and what if this upsets her so bad she gets sick? I mean she's 83 and frail and misses the girls so much, I would hate to hurt her feelings. But I know I can't let that cloud common sense and what is best for my family. Oh shit I hate these things, but I know what I have to do.
Hope my girls don't go through this about me when I'm that old. Even though you ask the girls now, they want to live with mommy and daddy forever and cry to think they would have to leave us. I tell them, "oh just wait till your a teenager, you'll want to leave and not be with us ever again!" hahaha Hopefully not, but I think we all go through that phase. I just don't want them to make decisions based on what mom or dad want and not what they want. Good or bad they need to make those choices and mistakes without guilt. I really don't want them to carry this kind of guilt and willingness to just do what mom says to keep the peace. I want them to say,NO I am going to do it my way and you may not like it, but can support it or be lonely without me around for a while. I would cry, and then be happy my girls can make their own path and know mom and dad support them with what ever they do.
Gotta pull the big girl panties up and just do it! Wish me luck I'm going to need it! Unless you find that big bag of money we lost or want to lend me a car that seats 6 and gets good gas mileage. Or just give me a bunch of money to go! hahaha just kidding but it would be cool! Looking for that rainbow to make a wish come true or the silver lining to make doing the right thing not so painful. Growing up and doing the right thing SUCKS!!

1 comment:

  1. I feel for you Tammy. we have the same situation in reverse. My mom moved away to AZ and we get the guilt treatment for not visiting her there. I would love to visit more often but it's so expensive to fly and just about as expensive to drive. I don't think there is ever an answer that makes everyone happy.

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