The girls

The girls

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Kept in the Dark

    As many of my friends know I am adopted, what many don't know is the struggle I have had finding information about my biological family. Many adopted children born from the mid  70's and back have struggled obtaining what many take for granted. Your medical history. This really has nothing to do with "finding" biological parents, even though it could be helpful in many ways. A very simple one, who you look like. Since I found out I was adopted I have a blank in my life. A very LARGE blank, not just who do I look like but who do my girls look like. Who will they grow up and be like? The biggest blank and a very scary one is absolutely no medical history. For myself it has not been a big deal, up until I had children. Now my blank could effect their well beings.
   Why are my rights to know updated medical history denied and worse to know I have to pay up to $1000 to maybe get that information, but it's all masked as a search for biological parents. Which if you did want to find them you have to pay more for that information. I feel many closed mined now old people running the adoptions back in the 70's,60's and 50's intentionally overlooked in my opinion the most important paper a biological parent should sign. The right to release the original birth certificate when requested by the adult child that was given up for adoption. Without that being signed as a yes or no, put I would think thousands on the same path I am on. Pay to get proper information or don't and just hope and pray you or your children don't get a horrible disease. How guilty many must feel not knowing they carry a genetic defect they may have passed to their children and all because some agency wants to turn a little cash to do something that should be free and automatically done after 20 years from an adoption and then every 10 years to keep current. I don't want to exclude children adopted after the 70's but many changes have been made to avoid this and many have done open adoption where all information is available to an adopted child. Think of all the changes in medicine, genetics, cancer and all it's complexities from now compared to 20 years ago. Sure for a much smaller fee an adopted person can get the inadequate, usually not complete form that was filled out at the time of birth. But who the hell thought of high blood pressure, mental illness or cancer at a young teen or early adult age? And most still had young parents who were healthy and fine. Wow thanks for making me pay for the little information I did get and a general description of my biological mother. The only good thing that came out was I have a brother born in 1965 who also was given up for adoption.
  There are so many smaller interest groups and gender/racial groups who are getting noticed for the in-just treatment of their rights being denied. But all the adopted people out there are still the dark secret still being kept in the closet and swept under the rug. We are being denied a right to know what our medical history is. And yes, they will say they contact adopted children in cases of "major" illness and "major" mental illness. But the system is so flawed that even then there is a struggle to find them, most with so little time that the parent is on their death bed or the devastation has already started or was too late to catch in time. Why do myself and others have to go for years with no idea if cancer, high blood pressure,diabetes, mental illness run in our family. Why do I have to leave that blank for myself and half blank for my children when filling out important medical papers? Why do I have to pay? Why wasn't this cost added into the "services" the adoption agency charges so every 10 years there is already a system in place to get updated information for adopted people on their health history?
  Oh wait, because "some"people may use it to "find" their child or parent who gave them up. The horror 20 years after being adopted want to know something about your biological family, what cruel injustice to the parents who adopted that child have to "share" the child they raised!!! Why do people think a child who was adopted, and GROWN! All of a sudden forgets the parents who raised them because they found the parent who made the ultimate parental sacrifice and gave their child up for what ever reasons. The only way that would play out as if the adopted parents were cruel and horrible to that child. Otherwise if they did their job right, the child will always love them and appreciate what they did, but have a gap or blank in their lives only seeing their biological family can fill or answer. It sounds stupid or superficial to long for knowing who you look like, but unless you were adopted and have no open adoption to have pictures of biological parents and family you will never know what a huge blank it really is. Try taking all your pictures you have from your parents and relatives and hide away, then replace your parents with another set, maybe even similar but not the real ones. Then put yourself with them, and now realize all the people you knew or had that you could say you look like are gone. Now how do you identify your lineage and who you or you children might look like. Seems trivial until it's all taken away. It's like looking into a mirror and seeing nothing, even though you are standing in front of it.
  How do we make a movement to change this? Who will be the champion to correct this injustice that thousands, maybe even millions face. Why won't someone realize a 44 year old mother of 5 wants some answers on current updated medical history for herself and children, and shouldn't have to pay anything more than a return envelope or stamp to mail it. Better yet, email it and save the postage, I can print it out and finally know. Why am I denied but others get to know if they have the cash. And God forbid that maybe even a reunion happen to fill in the gap that has been there for so long? Until something changes or someone can take my little blog to the next level, I still am the dirty secret, the little girl who didn't quite belong. The young woman who got excuses of fire or not yet transferred to "microfiche" and now the older woman of 5 beautiful children who just wants to know if she will see her girls grow up and to never worry if they might get horribly ill that could have been caught if she just knew. And feels it is in-just to have to pay a cent to get this information.
  So for now I, like so many others stay in the dark, the dark secret that still many don't want to let us know the truth. We stay in the dark and hope and pray we never have to feel guilty we passed something on to our children because no one foresaw the need to update and notify adopted people about their medical history. We stay the hidden secret now, in the day gay rights are finally being recognized, where equal rights for all, where the internet can eliminate the wait of mail and can enable the search that took months and years can be done now in days. We wait and hope nothing horrible happens for the sake of our spouses and children.  We wait in the dark and hope that some day instead of a blank we finally see who we are, even if it's just once.
  I have a blank an empty past, a past I would love to know and share with my beautiful girls.
My blog today I add no pictures, my life today I make, but my past was never shared and is a blank.