Parents getting older

I dread getting a late night phone call from back home, because it means something has happened. Or get a call from my mothers phone and it's someone else telling me, she's okay, but.... My mother is 83 years old and doing pretty well on her own, well that's what she and I guess my brother think.
Reality is a bit different. She is 83 and is being taken advantage of and bled dry every month by extended family and a free loading renter. She use to have a third leech or parasite but that was finally sent away to get some real help. Living on a railroad pension and getting supposed rent from 2 other units, she still doesn't have enough money to feed herself , get her teeth fixed when needed or just  have money in general. But there's no problem with what's going on.
Do I sound a bit pissed off or just plain had enough, you're right and I can't seem to find any logic to why this situation hasn't been fixed years ago. My brother who I love dearly, just seems to drag this out and thinks if he throws some money in the general direction things will be okay.
 I wanted to put her name on a list to get her in a senior housing unit. I gave him the information to go, and just said put her name on the list, it could take up to a year so we have time to get this in order. A year later I hear oh I should see the facility again and put her name down. WTF?!!!! Really? It took her almost dying to get power of attorney and other paperwork done, and even then he couldn't do that when it was needed. Waited till after she had surgery because he didn't want to upset her. Really?! He'd rather risk the state taking everything?  I just don't get it.
I call my mother a few times a week, to make sure she's okay and if she needs anything, but being thousands of miles away it's tough to really know. Not having a person there to check daily is rough. She has a niece who lives off her in the upper apartment, but doesn't have the best judgment on when help is really needed. And taking her to grocery shop for better food isn't dollar store stuff. And doesn't even realize it's because all my mothers money has gone to keep her and the tweeker renter fed and cash in their pockets and a car to drive.
So now here we are again, she in the hospital because she's not taking care of herself and eating properly. She could afford to have a service bring her meals daily, but all her money goes to everyone than herself. So once again, I will tell my brother to get this shit taken care of. And I'll get a, "I will look into this or I can take care of it", and then nothing.
We just got news a larger house with a a 4th bedroom is going to be ours in a few months. Room enough for us and hopefully grandma. This time around I am going to push for changes to be made quicker, or I 'll be flying up there to pack her up and take her back down here. There won't be any opportunity to drag this out any more!
Why is change so hard? I know it's scary and the first step is tough, but when you know it's the best for a loved one why would you hesitate at all? Why is the only child who isn't even blood the only one who is willing to care for her unconditionally? Life is not black and white, it's full of subtle grays and empty space that requires one to be willing to see it all for what it is. There is always more than one solution and we should know when to step up and make hard choices.
Maybe not making the hard decisions is a way of not facing age and the future we all face, death. Our parents grow old and we have to step up and fill their shoes, scary thought but reality. We can't just take a blind eye to the realization our parents don't live forever. It's our duty to make sure as they grow old and are safe and taken care of weather by us or someone else. To let a parent be taken advantage of is just as bad as to let them be abused.,especially when we know something can be done to stop it. We need to make sure the last year or 10 years are the best for them. Make them feel like they do have a purpose and meaning in our lives, even if it's just sitting down with our children and telling them stories, it all has purpose. And as they get older, I think that's something they lose and feel they are more of a burden. I want my mother to feel happy and wanted, and I know I can give it to her, even if it's for a short while. My daughters will remember that time and cherish it for a life time, and I will know I did everything I possibly could to make her happy and safe.
Why is that such a hard task to accomplish? How else can I reach him to see we need to do this all for her before it's too late. And not end up, saying I wish we would have done this sooner. Time will tell, but I hope it won't be too late.

Mothers worry

I think sometimes I worry too much about my girls. Maybe it's being adopted and having the feeling of separation always in the back of my mind, or that my girls are the most precious thing I have. Johnny gives me a hard time when I cry seeing sad commercials.  All have children in them and they are either starving or very ill. He doesn't understand my tears are of sadness for the parents and for gratitude that our kids are healthy. I think of what it would be like not to have my girls and think what an empty life we'd have. Johnny and I love each other dearly, but without our kids to share our love would be just sad. I love my girls with every fiber in my body and wouldn't trade any struggle or lack of money for any of them.
We have always looked at the sacrifices we made and make now are for the better of our girls. We decided after we had Sakura it was worth changing jobs, taking a pay cut to raise her with one of us at home. It sucked we didn't see much of each other but it was worth it. And after really crunching the numbers why work full time if one of our incomes was just to pay day care? I know not everyone can do what we've done, but I think many don't even think of it as an option. I once was told by a friend the reason why she never called any more was because I wasn't  spontaneous any more. I replied, well it may be true now but it was because money was tight and didn't have a babysitter all the time, but still liked a call to feel in the loop. She told me that she and her husband had decided that they wouldn't change their lifestyle just because they had kids. She thought I was giving up too much in the name of having kids.  At first I was shocked she said this, then thought why have kids? I did my partying, lots of travel and was happy to slow down to enjoy having kids. I then thought what a selfish couple to never give up a night to spend with your kids because drinking, playing golf, bowling or ice fishing was more important. I understand some was because of the business they were in, but when the grandparents refuse to take the kids any more because of all the time they spent drinking and playing there's something wrong!
 I look at our choice as temporary, they won't be dependent on me for long and  I wouldn't miss their first step or word for anything. I actually feel a pang already  that in just a few more years they all will be in school and I'll be alone for the day. Then baby thoughts creep into my mind, and I rationalize I can still have more, why not? Then reality slaps me up side the head and I think about how great it is not to lease my body out to another baby, and we're almost done with diapers! I wonder what our future holds, what it will be like to have 2 incomes again and what fun we'll have as the girls get older and we can do more together. Life is full of so many uncertainties, yet so many things we are in control of.
 I find myself looking for activities for the girls to get involved with that will keep them bust as they all get closer to being teenagers. I wonder what will they want to do? Will we be the parents their friends will want to hang out with or will they sprout their wings early and explore life on their own? Only time will tell, but I plan to have a front row, interactive part in this play of life. I won't miss anything because that's what's important to me. I know everyone has their own path and decisions to make, all I can say is don't miss the little things, because that's what they remember the most. We all remember the big things, but the most fond memories are the quirky little things that as we get older we may not remember, but they do!
 Hug your kids as much as they can handle, snuggle, kiss and tickle every day. And for those who don't get to see their kids every day, make the most of the time you do get and remember a phone call, a post card or letter just to say hi, I love you and am proud of you, goes a long way. I leave little notes in my girls lunchboxes or homework folders every now and then just to tell them I love them and  I am proud of everything they do. They come home and act embarrassed and ask why? I just say why not? I love you and just wanted to make sure you know. I didn't grow up in a house that I heard those words often, or hugged allot. But did get special times with my mom and dad and the little moments I remember the most, and cherish more than anything now. Enjoy them everyday and find something to remind them daily how truly special each of them are. Because tomorrow is unknown, yesterday has already passed, all we have is today to do our best.

What are legitimate things we wish people would understand about our kids and what are just excesses because we don't want to deal with our kids?

So here's the list, it was taken by Redbook magazine. It was titled, What are the 11 Things Parents Wish Other People Knew About Their Kids?
‎#1.) "Sometimes my kids are loud and obnoxious and it's not because I'm a bad parent."
#2.) "Boys are naturally curious and don't always sit still with their hands in their laps."
#3.) "Just because my house is messy doesn't mean I don't clean."
#4.) "If I had my way I wouldn't bring my kids to the store with me. But I can't afford a babysitter."
#5.) "Children don't come out of molds. They are very individual and have their own quirks that don't always follow 'the rules' in the parenting books."
#6.) "Raising cats and dogs is not the same as raising a child."
#7.) "I value my child's naptime. We'll come to your event, but if we don't work it around the nap, my kids won't be all happy and smiling."
#8.) "I understand that you're getting annoyed. Please have patience while I learn to be a parent and while my kids learn to be people."
#9.) "Children are not miniature adults. They won't react to things the same way a rational adult would."
#10.) "Babies cry and toddlers throw fits. They are not good or bad because of that, it just makes them a child."

#11.) "Please get over simply crying and whining at Target, the grocery store, and restaurants. I can't teach my kids to behave in those places if I never take them there"

 I have a problem with almost every one. I can understand what these parents are saying but they all just seem a bit off point. I try to let my kids be themselves, but they also know poor behavior has consequences and good behavior has rewards. So out in public doesn't mean act like a complete dick and get away with it because what can Mom and Dad do in public to me? They all have tried it, and all found out what happens. We don't give many chances to get their act together, a quick talk and a count of ten happens if you're lucky twice, then it's out the door we leave. Straight home and to their room they go, no prize or treat. Follow through with that a few times and watch how quick they can get themselves together. Even small toddlers know what they are doing and 
understand, no toy or candy if they kick off in the store. And the restaurant isn't any different, maybe even less opportunity to redeem their behavior. We both work in the business so we know how precious that treat of dinning out is for many. I feel for those who have kids and long for a nice pasta dinner or steak made by someone else, no dishes to do, a nice cold beverage and maybe a decadent dessert. I know all too well that longing, hell I have 5 kids I know! 

What kills me, are fellow parents who have no respect for other diners who may not have kids, have kids who are behaving or got lucky and had someone watch their kids. Instead these parents have a possessed,screaming, green vomit projecting monster. They are so desperate to eat out they forfeit any common sense that they might really be ruining the dining experience of the other people around them. Get up, pack the kid up, get the food to go and leave. It sucks, but if you let your child get away with this behavior you will never dine out again in peace for the next 10 years. A side note, who said it was okay to bring infants and very small children to a fine dining restaurant?! LEAVE THEM AT HOME OR DON'T GO OUT. Sorry but it's the cold hard facts, you can pump before you leave, your child will be fine a few hours away from you, and your kid will not forget who you are. Really it's okay, and if you can't afford to pay a sitter then boohoo you don't go out. We've gone without for a years, haven't even go out on our anniversary. But we have called our favorite place and ordered take away, it wasn't exactly the same, but the kids were all sleeping and we shared that moment together. Good food, no kids and a movie, who cares if it was in our home and the kids were just a room away. We found a way to still have nice food and didn't ruin anyone else's dinner.

 So the list is okay, but I feel many use it as an excuse for not stepping up. Yes it's embarrassing when your kids throw a fit, but really who cares what others think! You keep shopping or leave and try tomorrow. No one ever died because they had noodles and juice for dinner. Don't sweat it, roll with it and be creative, next time make shopping a safari and anyone in red must be shot and ate. No one has a clue why your kids are shooting them and laughing because they can't run up and eat you. It's fun and keeps your kids from exploding and you from killing yourself..

As for the idea they're not little adults, it's not totally true. My ten year old acts like she's thirty-five many times! I feel many people don't give children enough credit. They are smart and do understand what we tell them. Maybe not all the words but they do get the general idea. I have never talked to my girls like a baby, I never understood why would you start them off talking dumb? Our kids are sponges and pick up and hear everything. So we need to make sure we teach them early what is expected in different situations, let them know that bad or poor actions lead to consequences and good actions get rewarded in the way of, we'll do it again or go there again. Simple but if you follow through with what you say, they will know and thank you some day when they are older. I know I've called my mom many times to thank her, hehehe.

And just because a parent swears doesn't make them  bad, for me it's a stress release so I can then deal much better in any kind of situations.I never swear directly at my kids ever. And they do know not to swear in front of Grandma! 
 The last one that rubs me really the wrong way is about boys, and their nature isn't to sit with their hands in their lap? WTF?!!!  The only time I sat still with my hand in my lap was at etiquette camp when I was 8. And even then I had a hard time. Let me tell you it's in no child's nature, not just boys. But good manners do help kids, just don't go over the top with them. I'll find the list I did like of manners most children should know by 10, so you have some time to teach them all. Kids are kids and we all teach them what we feel is important. My rule that everyone should know is be respectful.Treat everyone like you want to be treated. The next time you see a parent struggle with an unruly child instead of giving a disproving stare or comment go and help them. With a little tact and some humor you can make a mom or dads day by just lending a helping hand.. On our way home to visit family we stopped for dinner. Even though Johnny and I thought our kids were too busy and a bit loud, a nice couple bought our entire dinner because they thought our girls were very well behaved!  Thank you to that couple, it was just a nice thing to do. I hope one day I can pass that deed on.
Hope you all get something from this, and know it's all a journey of life.We can make it fun and fulfilling or a downward spiral of regret and negative choices. We all can help those around us even if it's just your hand for a little support.

Every day there's something

What do you mean I need to clean?!!!!

Had a pretty good weekend, until Sunday. My two oldest who share a room had a disaster zone for a bedroom. Lucky I didn't see it Saturday, or they would have done nothing all weekend. So I turned into monster mom and howled all day to get their crap picked up. Felt bad for Katana, she ended up not being able to go out for a birthday party, but lesson learned I hope. Sakura on the other had was in full "tweener" mode and had an attitude all day. Ugh! I would have loved to keep her from going out, but she got lucky and went out Saturday, the day before I uncovered her mess. But she was warned the next outing she's invited to, is a no go. Are we being too hard? Johnny and I think we're too soft. I remember when I was her age, I couldn't do anything unless mine was clean, and Johnny had it worse the entire house had to be cleaned daily. And if I EVER talked to my parents the way Sakura did to us, I would have gotten my butt spanked or a slap. So how do we find a middle ground? I could careless if their beds aren't made or a "few" items left out, but clothes need to be hung or put away. Why is this so hard to grasp or is such a chore to do? It's not like we just started this rule, it's been taught and told to them since they were old enough to know. They pick up at friends homes, why not their own? When I had friends over I wanted to have my room clean, and looking cool. They on the other hand, could care less if their underwear is lying around and trash is on the floor and the room looks like a pig sty! When did this become the norm? I feel like an old lady when I ask why they don't want their room to look nice? I guess we need to find new tactics, but what? We've done the door off the hinges, take everything away except their beds, rewards for keeping it clean, goals to get new stuff. Nothing seems to interest them, and it's not like they have a ton of new or cool stuff in  their room already. I am really at a loss. But we keep moving forward, they do know from here out, the room must be clean before they go to school and before they go to bed, so we'll see how long this lasts. I guess the only punishment I know they hate, is pooper scooping. So it will be pick up 10 piles of poop if it's not clean, or I'll take away any clothing I find on the floor, not put away, or hung. So I will be patience and see what pans out. But man was it a crappy Sunday, having them mad at me for making them clean,seeking out the hidden piles, and making them clean more. I was so ready for Monday, and that's pathetic. I know it's going to get worse, but hopefully not too bad. Because the house of hormones is creeping up fast! I think, I'll give Johnny the duty of room patrol and leave the headache to him. We can play good cop, bad cop, hehehehe. Get your mind out of the gutter!

A mothers guilt

Why is it so hard to take a few hours just for myself? I actually feel guilty when I go for a coffee and linger for a little while. Or get my hair cut and buy a book just to read for sheer pleasure. Well today I said EFF it, I'm going to take some time just for me with no end result. Dropped the girls off, found a little salon that took me right away. Got my hair finally cut, so I don't have to cringe every morning looking in the mirror at the institutional hair cut I gave myself. And maybe I won't ware a hat every day, now maybe every other day. Then took off to the plaza, got a large tea, and used my gift certificate I got for my birthday and bought myself a new book. Though it is a sewing book, it had too many cute patterns to pass up, and it looks fun! I did feel a little guilty texting Johnny I wasn't going to be home for a bit, but shook it off and enjoyed a wonderful morning. This was a turning point for myself, deciding  take some time just for me, I really do deserve it. Now that the twins are older, Miyoko goes to a pre-K program 3 hours daily, Sakura and Katana are in school all day. The big change is, Johnny is now home till 2pm regularly, so I can take off and be an adult for a little bit. The rest of my day is so slam packed, not a lot of time to even think, it's was really nice to just chill and not worry if I have to pick someone up or drop them off. Most days I really think I'm on auto pilot and wonder what the hell have I done all day? I was so happy, then got a little depressed, thinking this would be great to meet up with Amy a few times a month and hang out, even if it's just thirty minutes. Then remembered we live 2200 miles apart now. I do have a few friends here in town, but miss my long time partner in crime. Why is it so hard to make adult women friends I don't want to strangle or barf on because they are way too full of themselves? So a late, but well needed resolution for 2012, take time off and take better care of myself. Sounds simple enough but will be a struggle, but I am always up for a challenge. Maybe next week I'll meet up with a friend for coffee and pretend we're so wealthy this is the only thing we have to do daily. Hahaha I don't think I could that for long, and sounds a bit childish. But I have never admitted to acting like an adult much. I'll end with the best line my nephew said to me, "You're an adult? You can't be you're too short to be one!" Love that kid!

Blaaa

Even in the ER, she has a smile!

What a crappy day. Came down with this horrible cold. My head is so stuffed I can actually feel the Taos vibration! It's my own fault, after being a nervous wreck over Johnny and his internal stomach and intestinal problems and just not taking care of myself, I'm sick. It is so true, that not just your body well being, but your emotional well being can get depleted when we worry about so many issues. It makes things even harder when you don't have medical insurance to just go and see the Dr. when you do feel sick. At this point, it's endure until you have to go to the ER. Why is or when did profit over health get so out of control?! Any ways, suffering through a lousy day, but as many know, mom's don't get sick days or even ones off. I don't complain much, but oh an entire day of just sleep and rest without any interruptions would be HEAVEN!!! Maybe some day, though I'd rather spend that one day at the spa and not in bed sick, so I'll wait. Hope you all are healthy and having a better day than me. Tomorrow will be better and life goes on.

Student Loans still haunt me!!!

 So about a month ago I got a horrible phone call. I was told I still owe over ten thousand in student loans. I FREAKED out!! Then grew enough composure to tell the gentleman on the other end he is very much mistaken. I paid off the last of my  loans a few years ago. He said they would look into it and if I had any paperwork on them to have them ready. I don't claim to be the smartest, but after looking into the firm that held my loans in question I found out they were dirty, over charged, levied accounts they shouldn't have and were very dishonest! No wonder the state loan service didn't want to admit they used that firm to collect. Now I kept pretty good files and zipped what I had to the new collection agency, but did tell them I am teetering on consulting a lawyer. I can't believe what I did pay and it looks like nothing  was applied to the actual loan. So now what should I do? Because they are telling me I pretty much owe the entire loan amount right now. Can interest be that much? WTF!!???  I may owe a little but all of it again? Guess we'll see initially where this goes, I hope my Karma bank if full and some Irish luck is in my horse shoe. Why does education have to cost so much? So glad I went to college so I can apply it to being a mother, hahahaha. Hope your day goes better than mine!