Kept in the Dark

    As many of my friends know I am adopted, what many don't know is the struggle I have had finding information about my biological family. Many adopted children born from the mid  70's and back have struggled obtaining what many take for granted. Your medical history. This really has nothing to do with "finding" biological parents, even though it could be helpful in many ways. A very simple one, who you look like. Since I found out I was adopted I have a blank in my life. A very LARGE blank, not just who do I look like but who do my girls look like. Who will they grow up and be like? The biggest blank and a very scary one is absolutely no medical history. For myself it has not been a big deal, up until I had children. Now my blank could effect their well beings.
   Why are my rights to know updated medical history denied and worse to know I have to pay up to $1000 to maybe get that information, but it's all masked as a search for biological parents. Which if you did want to find them you have to pay more for that information. I feel many closed mined now old people running the adoptions back in the 70's,60's and 50's intentionally overlooked in my opinion the most important paper a biological parent should sign. The right to release the original birth certificate when requested by the adult child that was given up for adoption. Without that being signed as a yes or no, put I would think thousands on the same path I am on. Pay to get proper information or don't and just hope and pray you or your children don't get a horrible disease. How guilty many must feel not knowing they carry a genetic defect they may have passed to their children and all because some agency wants to turn a little cash to do something that should be free and automatically done after 20 years from an adoption and then every 10 years to keep current. I don't want to exclude children adopted after the 70's but many changes have been made to avoid this and many have done open adoption where all information is available to an adopted child. Think of all the changes in medicine, genetics, cancer and all it's complexities from now compared to 20 years ago. Sure for a much smaller fee an adopted person can get the inadequate, usually not complete form that was filled out at the time of birth. But who the hell thought of high blood pressure, mental illness or cancer at a young teen or early adult age? And most still had young parents who were healthy and fine. Wow thanks for making me pay for the little information I did get and a general description of my biological mother. The only good thing that came out was I have a brother born in 1965 who also was given up for adoption.
  There are so many smaller interest groups and gender/racial groups who are getting noticed for the in-just treatment of their rights being denied. But all the adopted people out there are still the dark secret still being kept in the closet and swept under the rug. We are being denied a right to know what our medical history is. And yes, they will say they contact adopted children in cases of "major" illness and "major" mental illness. But the system is so flawed that even then there is a struggle to find them, most with so little time that the parent is on their death bed or the devastation has already started or was too late to catch in time. Why do myself and others have to go for years with no idea if cancer, high blood pressure,diabetes, mental illness run in our family. Why do I have to leave that blank for myself and half blank for my children when filling out important medical papers? Why do I have to pay? Why wasn't this cost added into the "services" the adoption agency charges so every 10 years there is already a system in place to get updated information for adopted people on their health history?
  Oh wait, because "some"people may use it to "find" their child or parent who gave them up. The horror 20 years after being adopted want to know something about your biological family, what cruel injustice to the parents who adopted that child have to "share" the child they raised!!! Why do people think a child who was adopted, and GROWN! All of a sudden forgets the parents who raised them because they found the parent who made the ultimate parental sacrifice and gave their child up for what ever reasons. The only way that would play out as if the adopted parents were cruel and horrible to that child. Otherwise if they did their job right, the child will always love them and appreciate what they did, but have a gap or blank in their lives only seeing their biological family can fill or answer. It sounds stupid or superficial to long for knowing who you look like, but unless you were adopted and have no open adoption to have pictures of biological parents and family you will never know what a huge blank it really is. Try taking all your pictures you have from your parents and relatives and hide away, then replace your parents with another set, maybe even similar but not the real ones. Then put yourself with them, and now realize all the people you knew or had that you could say you look like are gone. Now how do you identify your lineage and who you or you children might look like. Seems trivial until it's all taken away. It's like looking into a mirror and seeing nothing, even though you are standing in front of it.
  How do we make a movement to change this? Who will be the champion to correct this injustice that thousands, maybe even millions face. Why won't someone realize a 44 year old mother of 5 wants some answers on current updated medical history for herself and children, and shouldn't have to pay anything more than a return envelope or stamp to mail it. Better yet, email it and save the postage, I can print it out and finally know. Why am I denied but others get to know if they have the cash. And God forbid that maybe even a reunion happen to fill in the gap that has been there for so long? Until something changes or someone can take my little blog to the next level, I still am the dirty secret, the little girl who didn't quite belong. The young woman who got excuses of fire or not yet transferred to "microfiche" and now the older woman of 5 beautiful children who just wants to know if she will see her girls grow up and to never worry if they might get horribly ill that could have been caught if she just knew. And feels it is in-just to have to pay a cent to get this information.
  So for now I, like so many others stay in the dark, the dark secret that still many don't want to let us know the truth. We stay in the dark and hope and pray we never have to feel guilty we passed something on to our children because no one foresaw the need to update and notify adopted people about their medical history. We stay the hidden secret now, in the day gay rights are finally being recognized, where equal rights for all, where the internet can eliminate the wait of mail and can enable the search that took months and years can be done now in days. We wait and hope nothing horrible happens for the sake of our spouses and children.  We wait in the dark and hope that some day instead of a blank we finally see who we are, even if it's just once.
  I have a blank an empty past, a past I would love to know and share with my beautiful girls.
My blog today I add no pictures, my life today I make, but my past was never shared and is a blank.

REDEFINING FAMILY

As a child we define family as our mom,dad, siblings if we have them and grandparents, maybe some aunts and uncles. We hopefully were taught that family sometimes is all you have. To love your family unconditional. And if we're lucky that stays true for a while. We all have fights, but we also have to learn to forgive and move on. Something that gets lost in adult issues that trickle down to the children. As we get older the dynamic of family changes, we start to define ourselves and try to make our own decisions on what family is. We fight with our parents for independence, we fight with siblings over who is liked more or clothes or space. But hopefully we also understand  family is suppose to be there no matter what. We are suppose to love our parents, our sisters and brothers. But sometimes that gets lost in adult dysfunction that instead of breaking the cycle it is passed to another generation. When we become adults we're suppose to have a better relationship with our family more grown up, but sometimes we still are treated as a baby or the black sheep of the family. The one who was different weather it was because of seeing things different, being adopted or just looking different from everyone else. What was funny as children can be hurtful as adults, not being validated or having an opinion that deserves respect can be hard for parents and family to honor. Sometimes the cycle of dysfunction can't be broke without leaving those we thought of as family. The hard decisions of what is right for us as adults can effect our lives forever. The definition of family changes again. As we get older and start our own families, we have to decide what baggage we bring to this new family and what changes we want to make. Still wanting value having a connection with parents and siblings and extended family. But where or how do we cut out the parts that don't work or hurt us in the process.

If we're lucky we have children of our own and start to make definition of what we want our family to be, traditions, morals and how we treat one another. We make what our family should be and hopefully breaking out of what baggage we had from our pasts. If we are lucky our children have grandparents who care and love them, learning from our elders is important and teaches our children to learn things about the past, and grandparents are suppose to enrich our children and give them new or old perspective on things. It's also a good learning tool for us as parents to point out what was okay then may not be now. Our children learn about how mom and dad were kids one day and silly things they did. Unfortunately it doesn't always work out that way.
 What was a loving sister or mother could one day turn their backs on us and we may never know why. Mental illness may change our families forever pitting siblings and parents against each other. Past issues our parents had, may divide adult siblings to take sides. Sometimes it may just be easier to leave parents and siblings behind, never to speak or see each other again. And that's for adults to choose, but how do we put this in perspective to our children. How do we try to keep or children from making those same mistakes or painful decisions? Some decisions are right for the situations, but how do we keep our kids from becoming bitter or loose the ability to forgive and move on? It is such a slippery slope and how do we keep from taking our children down that same path. Maybe I am too simplistic thinking we can change our children to do better and love and forgive. Put all the hate and hurt our parents may have caused and leave it in the past. I, as many know had a troubled past of being adopted and not finding out till I was a young adult. It was a very painful experience that took some years to deal with. It also was a defining moment in my life to never let the negative ever rule my life or take me down. Also, to never lie. No matter how painful something may be it is better to tell the truth than to live a lie for even a minute. People say they never see me sad, that I always am smiling. It's true most of the time but the smile can also hide hurt or sadness I feel inside, but I know everything works it's way out and somethings I have no control over what happens. Which as a mother of 5 I have learned well!
 I have tried to make sense of the latest trouble we have had with family over the holidays. Usually we get phone calls and cards and a few gifts from both grandmas and my brother. This year and actually leading up to Christmas we have had almost no communication from my sister in law and no contact from my mother in law. And I have tried to call, left messages over the summer but after 3-4 months of nothing I gave up. Christmas came and not even a card from their grandmother to say I love you and miss her 5 grand daughters. They have the ability to SKYPE with us and did a few times in the past, not even that. My mother sent a card and cute dresses for the girls, called Christmas Eve to say she loves them and SKYPED the following day with help from my brother. My brother also sent some cards with a little money for each girl, they were grateful for everything they got and called to thank them both. They also gave in the past phone calls and thank you's for any gift given by their other grandmother and aunt. So why all of a sudden do we just get written off?
Not to mention how does this make Johnny feel besides the girls? The girls don't understand, they think their aunt and grandma don't like them. Johnny I can only imagine what he feels, I'd feel like crap if none of my family called or came to visit. We have offered to pay for flights, to help with gas, instead they would rather visit 3rd cousins in Iowa 3-4 times a year. Really?!! Then post for us to see their trips and how much fun they have, yet never make an effort to at least get their mom down to see us. So Johnny got fed up and pretty much told them to Fuck Off! I don't blame him. They now have blocked us from their Facebook pages and we have gotten no calls to justify their actions or even a "what's going on?" So how do we explain what's happened to our girls. What an awful feeling they must have knowing their grandma has no desire to see or talk to them, or that their aunt doesn't want to know them. This is just one more reason I try to instill to my girls that your family is who cares for you. And that your sisters may make you angry, but you need to forgive and always remember no matter what, they will always be there for you, just like mom and dad.
I just am not wired to cut family out forever no matter what they have done. But that's just me, I forgive but I never forget and that's the difference. I think if you never forgive you will never know if things could change, and if you just forget you open yourself to be treated like that always. You have told them it's okay to treat you bad. Don't they say you get treated the way you allow people to treat you. To forgive, even if you never see or talk to them again, you have come to terms with the problem, forgave and moved on. To not forget reminds you of how you never want to be treated or wronged again. It make you grow as a person, and hopefully for the better. To be bitter and angry never ends well nor will your life get any better. Where am I going with this? Not sure all I know that we moved to leave the drama, though it seems others want to keep the drama going and pin it on us. I feel sorry for those people, we moved to better ourselves and are doing that. We have made our own family with the wonderful people who have opened their homes and heart to our family and we love them for that. They have the wonderful chance to see and be apart of our girls lives. Too bad there are people who see themselves as grandmother and aunt who will never get the chance.
 Love those who hurt you, because they are hurting more than what they have done to you. Forgive even if it's difficult, life is too short to dwell on the negative. Be happy with what you have and those you have around you, some people have none. Enjoy every moment and be grateful for the ones who love you, we never know how long they have on earth or what our lives hold. It's easier to forgive than waste your time dwelling on the negative.
 I love my family even the ones who have hurt me, because that is my nature. I only hope my children have the same ability to forgive and move on, because they wonderful futures to live and I would hate for them to waste even a minute on the negative. My life's motto is long and disjointed and crazy," don't waste your time on things you have no control over, don't waste your energy on negative feelings or people they will just bring you down, smile it makes you feel better, enjoy every moment even the bad, take what life has given you and make the best of it, otherwise you dwell on the bad and never see what life could have given you, love every day like it's your last and love the ones you have around you because you don't know how long they have either, enjoy every bite and morsel of good food it's good for the soul, laugh often even if it make you pee, enjoy good friends they make our lives worth every moment, give back what you can it always makes a difference, speak your mind and the truth someone is always listening, be a good friend, it comes back 10 fold, swear often it just makes you feel better!."

 My life is an unfinished work, so I always have tomorrow to improve it some more.

Life is never easy

I haven't posted for a LONG time, sorry. But with 5 girls it gets a little crazy. As all marriages go, there's ups and downs. Lately it's been down, most has to do with health and a daily dealing with pain, so having an unpleasant spouse isn't a shock! Also, the conclusion we are not having any more children was a sad topic but I've come to embrace and except it. I look forward to in a short 2 years, be able to go back to work in some capacity, day time for sure, but ADULTS!!! I look forward to that, I look forward to a 2 income family and vacations we don't have to pack the entire house for. I like that! So birth-control is always an issue, I felt that having the responsibility for the past 25+ years it was his deal now for once. Unfortunately with his health I opted to be the first (but not the only) to permanently take care of this, since he wasn't in the best form to get "sniped". But as the good old Treasaigh luck has it, right before the surgery date wouldn't you know it..... positive, OMG! The bombshell didn't go over well and of course created a wonderful atmosphere, and of course it still was my fault, even though it was his fault 100% this time. But who's pointing fingers now, any case we began to prepare for #6. I was very sad at the thought of pushing my plans back at least another 3-4 years, and the hubby wasn't at all  thrilled either at the possible changes. Just when it all started to sink in and dealing with changes, a bigger one happened. Fell super bad on the ice outside, and got worried. Went in and got tests done and an ultrasound the following day. Nothing was found, not a good nothing a weird bad nothing. No heartbeat and in fact no baby but an empty sac. It was very surreal because this was new, I never have dealt with nor had any miscarriages as long as I have been "productive". I didn't know how to react, I sat in the OB office waiting for the Dr. to see me, and everyone in the clinic had this sad smile for me and a reaction toward me of so sorry look. And I felt like should I be crying? Should I wring my hands or be sick? This was all so new, and the sadness of losing what could have been our only boy, and anger because my spouse was being a jackass and so wrapped up in what this all would do to him, I was sad and pissed all in one. I felt that my reaction wasn't appropriate for what was happening. The Dr was great, she understood I wanted some defined answers and didn't want sugar sweet coated crap. Just get to the point and what needs to happen now. Well her answer was pointed, but of course this wasn't a cut and dry miscarriage. So the idea of having to wait weeks for this all to figure out was not comforting at all. In fact it was depressing and frustrating to not get a yes it's a miscarriage and you will experience X,Y,Z or it's in your tube and we have to do surgery. NOOOOO, it's let wait and see, we need to take blood and do a biopsy and more blood drawn and then we'll see. In the mean time if your pain reaches a 9-10 for longer than an hour or you bleed so much within an hour, go to the ER. WTF?!!! I have already came to terms I lost my future baby, but now I have to let it die inside me slowly and you have no fucking idea where is could be. Not acceptable, but have no choice but to follow protocol. Then to drop the loss on the butthole who is so wrapped up in his own crap, wow what a great way to start the holidays! So the process begins, blood taken, wait, talk to Dr. then wait for the biopsy. Biopsy done, not a pleasant procedure, find out I need to get a shot of methotexate. That's a drug used for rheumatoid arthritis and in larger strength for chemotherapy. GREAT! Shoot it up, and let me get some normality back in my life. But no, it can intensify emotions and still having preggo hormones it kicked in high gear within 2 day after the injection. Well if hubby hadn't felt beat up on before, it would hit the fan then. I totally lost it, my emotions were raw and out of my control, and I let it all out to the point of fainting and throwing up. And then getting little response other than it was turned around to be my fault and boo hoo he was so hurt and sad and no one cared, it was wonderful, NOT! But the next day the Dr called and confirmed the emotions were all part of this and that hubby needed to buck up and deal. Surprisingly he did, and must have realized he needed to put someone other than himself first. Hubby on board, helpful and understanding down, but the rest still no closer to a definitive answer. So then we wait, blood drawn every other day till New Years Eve day, now every Friday until no pregnancy hormones, still not the out come I wanted. I do not know how a woman can keep trying after such a roll-coaster of shit and no quick way to heal and get back to normal. I know there are few like mine, but even a cut and dry situation has so many feelings and emotions that are tied to this event. I'm lucky, I have 5 beautiful healthy daughters, but what if we didn't have them? What if this was the last ditch effort to have just one? What a horrible experience to go through, and the fact that as a woman we have to deal with either the passing of this possible baby which at least you have a final event to move on. The body absorbing the baby is far worse in the fact there is no final situation, it just lingers for weeks till your body says it's done.To think, I have the body of a possible baby inside and it's just suppose to melts back into me,creepes me out, because you don't get any final good bye or experience to let the situation go. It's a phone call to tell you everything is back to normal, but it really never goes back to normal  I don't think I can go back to just me, it's something I will always lament over and wonder what if? I think, that could have been the only boy we'd ever have, and now I just want to fix things so I never will deal with something like this ever again. I thought premature twins was bad and would never make me want more, I think an unknown location of an ectopic pregnancy is far worse. And all the unknown wait and not a set way of dealing with this, was frustrating to say the least and didn't really give me emotional support I expected. I really know now what a very emotional and unsettling time someone must have to deal with when an ectopic or even a regular miscarriage happens. And for the male side, there was nothing to give him comfort in any way, no real advise to help him deal with a very un-involved sad situation. How is a man suppose to deal with his pain of a pregnancy ended and support his partner who has to deal with the physical and emotional loss. There just needs to be something more, and more help with the uncertainty for how thing progress. Ways to cope and deal with all the emotions one has to deal with and their family or partner. It has changed me internally forever, I don't think I will ever quite be the same, and that's another life altering event that one could use help dealing with. I am still dealing with the fact technically I am still pregnant, but it's wearing thin every time I go to get labs done, they ask the same question, first day of your last menstrual cycle, and "is this pregnancy related?" You would think if it's VERY apparent that this is a miscarriage in progress they could have that information already there, so the same painful question isn't asked every time. It does get a bit raw when you are getting tests done every 2-3 days and the question is asked, I wonder how someone very emotional or farther along would deal with that? I definitely have a greater consideration for those who have gone through this type of ordeal. I feel lucky to have a close friend who also dealt with something like this. She is very much like myself, straight forward when it comes to health issues and wants the truth straight up, don't pussy foot around or sugar coat, just tell me like it is and what we need to do. And how long does this take? She was my in house Dr. when I needed that extra support or information  needed. But what about a single person or one who didn't want family to know, what do they do? So many variables and seems very little broad support, this is something that needs those extra foundations to make sure no one in this condition is lost through the cracks, it could be life threatening. I am doing much better now, and look forward to getting back to normal, but this is definitely one of those life altering events that has change me forever. I am still happy and go lucky, but always a hint of sadness will always haunt me, if this one could have been the baby boy we always wished for, or that one blue eyed baby I always hoped for. In the end the hope for a healthy baby has been replaced with the sadness of loss and anticipation of what it could have been. Life goes on, but maybe not as quickly or as jovial as it was in the past. For those who have healthy children, hug and appreciate every day they are in our lives, for those who have lost children keep the precious memories you have close to heart and know you gave them the love they needed. Being a parent should be treasured and thought of as an honor, never a burden or loss. My thoughts and prayers are with each and every person I know and care for, and don't look for sympathy but understanding and thoughts of healing. Peace, happiness, good food and friends make life the wonderful thing it is.